Sasuke gave the cowering girl a suspicious look. She flinched, fidgeted nervously; Sasuke turned to glare at Naruto instead.
"You want to what?"
Naruto glared back at him, and wound a protective arm around Hinata's shoulders.
"I wanna invite her in."
"... Are you kidding," Sasuke retorted flatly.
Naruto drew himself up, offended. "Why would I be kidding about that?! No, I'm not."
"This is a threesome, Uzumaki, not a walk-in harem!"
"Yeah well why couldn't it be a foursome? Hinata's a great girl!"
Sasuke glanced at Sakura, frowning imperiously to request some goddamn support against their retard of a boyfriend, but Sakura didn't say anything. She just sat there, a faintly surprised look on her face.
"She's super-nice, and she's brave, and she's got a great nindo! And she gets along well with Sakura-chan."
"That doesn't mean Sakura will want to sleep with a girl. Besides, it's not a foursome if you're the only one she wants to be with."
Hinata blushed violently, and Sakura bit her lip and cautiously avoided looking his way. Naruto made a weird face, as if he didn't know whether to sneer or to laugh.
"Uh, bastard... You remember that time, with the sexy-no-jutsu...?"
Sasuke closed his mouth. ... Damn it. How come he always lost to Naruto's arguments, when Naruto's arguments were that retarded? Perhaps it was just that they were so insane he couldn't find a logic that would work against them. Since they existed in a world that logic simply never touched. Yeah. That was it.
"I don't want to sleep with her."
Hinata flinched, and for a half-second Sasuke felt guilty, but he smothered it.
"Aw, come on, she could make you tea and you could have someone to watch the koi with in the garden or something. You could wear matching kimono!"
"Naruto..." Sasuke growled.
"And you two would be extra-pretty, together in bed."
The leaves rustled with the wind, as Hinata's face combusted, and Sakura's mouth fell open in a little 'oh' of surprise and contemplation.
Sasuke decided to shift the topic, because it was a ridiculous conversation from start to finish and yet he was starting to lose, and that was not acceptable. He twitched his head, sending his bangs flying back, irritated. "If we're adding her in, why not invite, I don't know, Kakashi, while we're at it?"
Naruto grimaced at him. "Wait -- you're hot for Kakashi-sensei?"
It was a very bad time for flashbacks to adolescent fantasies about, ahem, hands-on training. A very bad time. Therefore, Sasuke didn't flashback. He just growled. "No! I just said it like that, it didn't mean anything!"
Once again, the whole forest seemed to stop just to listen to him. Sakura and Hinata were looking at him like they were quite embarrassed for him, because it had to be painful to lie so badly. Sasuke remembered, too late, that Sakura knew him too well, and that Hinata had the Byakugan. And Naruto didn't need very long before he deciphered the looks the girls were giving him.
"Oh my god, you totally do. But he's like -- he's Kakashi-sensei!"
Sasuke would have denied to the death being even able to blush, but sadly for him, today there were witnesses. "And she's Hyuuga Hinata, what the hell is your point?!"
"It's not the same! She's super-cute and she's hot and I really like her! I love her personality, and she's always there if I need her, and she makes this little squeal when you poke her ribs, and she'd look damn good in bed between you and Sakura-chan, and -- and -- and my god if you tell me Kakashi-sensei squeals I'll barf."
"He doesn't," Sasuke assured him between his clenched teeth.
But Kakashi's, ahem, 'lower back' flexed wonderfully when he bent over. Sasuke wasn't going to tell him that, though.
Sakura coughed in her fist, attracting their attention away from each other. She took the time to send a reassuring smile Hinata's way, before giving her boys an innocent look that neither Sasuke nor Naruto trusted.
"I'm in favor of it."
Sasuke gave her a wary look. "... Which one?"
Sakura smiled, pure, innocent, and adorably cute, all rolled into one. Sasuke and Naruto took an instinctive step back.
"Both of them, of course."
Sakura got up on her feet, dusted herself off, and turned toward the boys. "Naruto, Hinata is in love with you. You really, really like her. I like her. Sasuke can bitch as much as he wants, they'll get along fine. As long as you don't leave us, go for it. You'll both be happier. Sasuke-kun, Kakashi-sensei is lonely, he loves us, and he's totally unable to accept that we haven't been twelve in a very long time, but he still stares at your butt whenever you bend over."
There was a rustle of leaves and broken branches somewhere deep in the woods, followed by suspicious, tracked-animal stillness. Sakura's smile turned smug and somewhat devious.
"And as a matter of fact, this IS a harem. Mine."
She left the two stunned boys there, stepping up to the Hyuuga girl and slipping her arm in hers. Hinata turned a lovely shade of coral pink.
"Say, Hinata-chan, do you mind going to pick up Kakashi with me?"
"Ah -- ahh... I... That... Alright, Sakura-chan."
Naruto and Sasuke were left alone in the clearing, gobsmacked. All around them, the forest resonated with rustling leaves and smashed trees.