Harry Potter Crack Drabbles

This one is all Muffy's fault.

Sexy no Jutsu part 3

First it was that pink-haired girl. The dating pool was small, and he'd already exhausted most other options. (besides Pansy was getting clingy again; she needed a reminder that they were certainly not wed yet.) The girl was smart on top of being cute, though her breasts could have done with some of Amanda's Asset Augmentation, and hadn't had the time to hear all the nasty rumors about him. Besides she was friends with that Uchiha psychopath; she wasn't going to be prejudiced against Slytherins. As a nice bonus, he could probably pump her for Uchiha's weaknesses -- and what was even better, she didn't like that Mudblood Granger, so there was no risk of her falling in with Potter's crowd.

"Say, Sasuke-kun... If you're not busy this evening, we could... slip out... visit the grounds..."

... Too late apparently.

How he hated that bastard. He was cold, rude and contemptuous, had no manners and no respect for his peers -- he didn't even comb his hair -- and yet every girl at school was sighing after him. They should have been looking at HIM, Draco Malfoy. He consoled himself by thinking that it was just the attraction of a new face, and would fade after a while. God knew that the other new student, the grinning one, wasn't going to be popular anywhere but in Gryffindor, with his attitude -- he wasn't pretty enough for them to get past his crazy bouncing and manic grinning and stupid pranks.

And then it was that blonde chick with the boobs -- well, he meant, the happy smile and bubbly smile that said Hufflepuff, and the mischievous gleam in gleaming blue eyes that said Slytherin, even though he had never seen her before.

Oh, and the boobs.

Apparently they didn't make girl shirts her size, because the top three buttons were nowhere to be seen. That was quite a lot of cleavage; he forgave her for visibly not being as smart as whatshername, Pink.

"Hello," he greeted her suavely. "I've never seen you before. Are you new?"

She blinked at him, and then grinned. It was a huge, 'oh, so happy to see you' grin, with a tiny bit of something else that he forgot to check more closely because when she clasped her hands like that it made her tits squish together.

"Oh, I've arrived a little while ago, but yes, I guess so!"

She had the most adorable smile ever. And legs up to her armpits -- he would have been shocked that she wore her skirts that short if he wasn't busy being delighted. And then he noticed another part of her clothing -- hard to miss, it was on her chest -- and grinned even wider. She'd already been sorted. In HIS house. Oh, yessss.

A little part of his brain tried to warn him that if she'd been put in Slytherin, it was probably for a reason; she couldn't truly be as naive and sweet as she looked -- but then Crabble and Goyle were living proof that you didn't need brains if you had lineage. Maybe she was here because she was catty. He didn't mind, especially if she got catty with Pansy. With hair pulling and scratching and tearing off of clothes. Right on the green rug in the common room. Preferably over him, too.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruko, and you?"

He blinked. "Uzumaki -- like the id -- new Gryffindor? I assume he is your brother... Younger, or older?" he asked, giving her a charming smile. It was good that he'd been raised to make conversation out of nearly anything.

"Ah, same age actually."

"Twins? I should have guessed, you look very much like each other -- even though you're a lot more beautiful, of course."

She beamed at him. He felt a little bit of his heart melt, and another part of his anatomy harden.

He reached out, took her hand, and made as if to kiss it, in a mix of teasing and romantic that was guaranteed to make all girls melt. "Pray tell, fair lady, are you free this --"

Behind him, Uchiha snorted.

It was the kind of snort that meant 'I would be about to piss myself laughing at you if I wasn't so much cooler than you are'. He positively hated it. He turned around, forcing a smile on his face to ask what he wanted. The foreign bastard was going to pay.

"As if fraternal twins had to look any more identical than any other kind of siblings. But then," he added, sizing Draco up slowly and visibly finding him wanting, "I guess that's more genetics than your family's ever known, isn't it?"

"What did you say about my family?"

The girl ripped her hand out of his own and beamed at the newcomer, glowing. "Ooh, Sasuke-kun! I'm so happy to see you!"

Instead of being happy to be smushed against her boobs, he had the nerve to frown. "Is that my shirt you're wearing?"

Draco spluttered.

"Yes! You don't mind, do you?"

"And that's my skirt!" Pink added as she joined them, frowning sternly. "Naru--ko, what are you doing wearing our things?"

"Well, I wasn't about to walk around naked, was I? So I grabbed the first things I found. Sorry sorry. I'll wash them, I swear," she added, giving them puppy eyes that would have melted even Snape.

Draco's brain was dribbling out of his ears. He couldn't have understood right, could he? Naked -- grabbing -- what! No, he couldn't have --

Boobs leaned over, still pouting, and gave Pink a little kiss on the cheek. "Come on, Sakura-chaan, please don't be mad!"

"N-Naruko, I swear, you--"

Uchiha snorted dismissively and put a hand on Sakura's back, immediately silencing her. "It's just a skirt, Sakura. It isn't as if she was wearing your panties. Are you?"

"Oh, no." The blonde grinned widely, then leaned forward to whisper in his ear, lips brushing him, "let's hope there's no draft."

Draco wasn't sure if he was meant to hear that. Draco was pretty sure he was meant to see the small smug smirk on Uchiha's face. Draco was having a hard time thinking, past the hate and the lust and the insane jealousy.

"... Malfoy? You're even paler than usual. Are you all right?" Sakura inquired politely.

"Fine," he managed to gasp out.

"Oh, good," the blonde replied with a wide smile, and immediately attached herself to Uchiha's right arm, cuddling his biceps right between her breasts, and looked up at him adoringly. The son of a bitch addressed a curt, falsely polite nod at him, then slipped his arm around Sakura's narrow waist, making her blush, and herded his girlfriends away, whispering in Sakura's ear as Naruko giggled delightedly.

Draco stared at them, fists clenched, livid. That utter bastard. He was going to pay. He was --

The pack of Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors who had been watching the scene in stunned silence from the galleries finally exploded into open laughter.