Harry Potter Crack Drabbles

For Artimusdin again. My muse.

Petting the Unicorns

"Hey, guys, wouldn't it be the best place to hide if you were on stakeout?" Naruto commented as he pointed at the forest, so close to the hut where the Slytherins and Gryffindors were having a Care of Magical Creatures lesson.

"Yes, except for the place being called Forbidden Forest for a reason," Sasuke replied, snorting, and kept on following Hagrid toward the edge of the woods.

"Hey, we did survive the Forest of Death, we'd have no trouble in this one -- by the way, what's up with these names? You'd think they want to scare us away or something -- oh, wait."

Sakura, who was skipping a class to "provide them with more support", rolled her eyes. "So, what are you studying today?" she asked Sasuke brightly, equally happy with spending quality time with him and knowing the subject of her next lesson in advance.

"... horses, apparently," he replied, pointing toward a herd of shiny white horses slowly walking out of the forest.

"Vicious-looking horses," Naruto replied as he eyed their horns warily.

"Oh! These are unicorns!" she replied, delighted, as the herd came to a stop.

"They magical too, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Yes, they have many magical properties, and --"

"Whatever. They're just horses." Sasuke shrugged and walked away from the group to check out the edge of the forest.

"But, Sasuke, it's interesting, they can --"

"I don't need to know about horses," he replied absently, his eyes trying to pierce the darkness.

When his shoulder was bumped into, he swatted back at the offending touch, and turned back to glare at Naruto.

It was a silvery-white muzzle that greeted him instead. He froze, eyeing the unicorn warily.

"What do you want?"

It nuzzled him again, insistently.

"Pet it," Naruto advised, from afar as the horse started huffing and pawing at the ground the second he stepped closer.

Annoyed and wanting this over and done with, Sasuke obeyed, and two seconds later wondered why he was hearing snickers. The loudest were from his own House, actually.

"Hey, Uchiha," Malfoy called. "So you can pet unicorns, eh? Were you hiding something from us?"

"Well, he IS awfully pretty..." one of his bodyguards commended, and chortled loudly.

Sasuke gave the horned horse a last absent pat, shoving its nose away from him, and stalked back toward the group, determined to break a few bones.

"Sakura. The unicorns..." he demanded as he approached her.

"They, uhm, they usually only let, a certain kind of people touch them..."

"What kind?" he asked for confirmation as he stalked past, though with the snickers and Hagrid's bewildered looks at his uniform pants, he could guess.

"Uhm... girls. Virgin girls."

With her words the boys started laughing even louder.

A second later Sasuke had flickered from view, and reappeared nose to nose with Draco.

"If you're so jealous, I can't do anything about your lack of virginity, but I sure can help you become a girl."

Malfoy gulped. Sasuke was smirking, the kind of smile Sakura and Naruto didn't like because it was modeled after Orochimaru's. It did its job, though.

"We understand each other."

Malfoy nodded. The hold Sasuke had on his balls was tightening.

They would have stared at each other forever, the ferret and the viper, if Sasuke hadn't been nudged from behind again.

The unicorn whinnied, and lipped at his hair. Sasuke scowled and twitched away. It was disgusting. Now he had magical horse slobber in his hair.

The unicorn gave him a miserable look. He scowled at it, and tried pushing it off him. It came back. And again. And again. Sighing, he ended up petting it grudgingly.

"Ah, yer spirit must be very pure indeed, if the unicorns don't even care that yer a boy," Hagrid ended up saying, provoking another round of muffled snickers. Naruto looked like he was having trouble breathing. Sasuke briefly wondered if the stupid beast liked him enough to trample people on command.

Pure, him. The hell. Stupid thing must be broken.

Hagrid was still trying to get the unicorn to stop following Sasuke when they reached the castle.

"You have to admit, it's highly unusual, Sasuke-kun," Sakura was saying. She was still miffed because no unicorn had wanted anything to do with her, despite her being pretty sure that she was still at least a good eighty percent pure.

"... shut up," Sasuke growled back, and stomped faster.

"Ah -- it did... seem to be a little weird, as far as unicorns went -- I'm sure it wasn't you..." she mumbled, trying to make it better.

"Yeah! Maybe it's a gay unicorn," Naruto piped up from his other side.

"... Oh, just shut up," Sasuke replied, kicking him.

"Ow! ... Hey, wait. Does that mean you're a virgin?"


Sasuke's tone was almost pleasant. This was bad news. Sakura stepped back out of range cautiously.

"You heal fast, right. Think your balls would grow back?"

Naruto cringed. Sasuke apparently had no problem handling other people's manbits when his own manhood was doubted. "Okay, I got it, you're a regular pimp daddy."

"Good boy," Sasuke shot back, and stomped off after the rest of his classmates.

"SAAASU-CHAN IS A VIRGIIIN!" Naruto yelled, laughing, and then took off, running for his life.