Harry Potter Crack Drabbles

This one is for Artimusdin, who inspires me liek whoa.


"... Is it me, or did you just... hiss?" Sakura inquired politely, blinking at Harry.

Harry started, and winced guiltily. He'd seen the black-haired Slytherin's pet, coiled around his neck like a living collar, and hadn't realized he'd shifted languages. "Uhm. Yes?"

Naruto blinked, then grinned widely. "That was kinda creepy. Do it again?"

What? ...Well, that was still a better reaction than being called a freak.

The black-haired guy was frowning, and he was one person Harry was quite wary of. Not that he was scared, but he'd turn his back on the bloke even less than on almost any of his housemates -- Malfoy not included.


"Do it again."

Harry frowned, tempted to snap back, but Naruto and the girl -- Sakura? Were looking hopeful, so in the end he relented. He looked at the snake -- weird colors, and it was staring at him, and -- well. "... Um, hello. My name is Harry."

The snake stared back, tongue flicking out pensively. He looked amused, too.

"... my, my, how interesting. THAT I have to tell Manda." The snake stared at him a while longer, then poofed out of existence without warning.

"What the -- What happened to your pet!"

Sasuke grumbled, vaguely annoyed that it had left without waiting for dismissal. "It's not a pet, it's a summon... Whatever. You speak snake?"

"... It's called Parseltongue. A few wizards have the ability." If they didn't know it was Dark, though, he wasn't telling them.

"Whoa, kinda cool. Any snakes? 'cause Sasuke's big ones can speak on their own, but some of my littlest frogs can't and--"

"Naruto, he doesn't understand what you're talking about," the pink-haired girl reminded him, along with a bonk on his head. "Sasuke has -- I guess you'd call it a spell, that allows him to summon snakes. Any kind of snake, be they garden snakes or demon snakes. And the demon snakes can speak."

Harry blanched a little. "Demon?" And he could call them from anywhere, just like that? What Voldemort wouldn't give for that power...

"Ahh, not demon like you think, just -- kind of sentient magical animals?" she reassured him quickly. "Naruto can do the same thing with frogs and toads."

"Ah. And you?" he asked politely, though what he really wanted to know was where were his own friends, and why they'd left him alone with the crazy trio.

"... slugs," she admitted with a wince. "I didn't choose them!"

Slugs. Right. That was... fearsome. He understood why she didn't look happy with them.

Sasuke scowled, and interrupted her before she could babble more. "You know what snakes say?"

"... Yes?"

"Any snakes?"

"Yes, even magical snakes. ... Why?"

"There's a man, who I think speaks your language. He... said things to me. I want to know what they were." Sasuke looked away briefly, trying to remember the sounds, then started reproducing them to the best of his abilities.

"Well, you've got a bit of an accent, but so far it sounds like -- BLOODY HELL." Harry sputtered, turning a violent red.

Naruto leaned toward him, almost bouncing. "What? What? What did the old snake pervert say?"

"I am certainly NOT translating that!" Harry retorted, mortally embarrassed. "But, uhm. If he said -- I mean..." Naruto HAD called the guy the snake-pervert, though, and now Harry was uncomfortably aware of how appropriate and yet totally inadequate that was. "I would advise you to watch your rea-- YOUR BACK. Watch your back."

Shaking his head, he hurried away quickly, bemoaning the loss of his mental purity.