Written for the "three things that character received on his or her birthday" meme. Het and yaoi, some are disturbing, some are cracktastic, and some are very much Bring Your Own Subtext.

Birthday Snippets Collection

Naruto's bestest BEST presents ever:

- Kunoichi gone WILD!! extended edition. Shika, you have the best taste in presents. Really. Glad to see that brain's worth something!

- Paid tab at the Ichiraku ramen, plus six! months! of paid meals. (as long as there's only two bowls a meal.) Iruka-sensei, you have no idea what it means to me. ;.;

- ... a kiss from Sakura-chan :D :D :D (okay, it was only on the cheek, so what. Oooh, Sakura-chan) and a headpat from Sasuke. Bastard. (didn't like it at all and it's not the first time he's ever touched me kinda gently. At all. Really.)

For Sasuke's eighteenth birthday, Naruto gives him back his Konoha headband, and his place in their team, and his status as a ninja.

For Sasuke's twenty-fifth birthday, Tsunade gives him back his clan, officially pardoned and reinstated.

For Sasuke's thirtieth birthday, his wife gives him back his family.

Kakashi's presents are:

-His kids taking him to a restaurant, except he hasn't found them good missions in a while so as their revenge he gets to pay his fourth of the bill,
-Upon hearing of the joyous occasion, the dubious pleasure of having the owner of said restaurant offer him a senior discount (stupid gray hair)
-getting home to find Iruka and Anko glaring at each other as their surprise is spoiled. Kakashi is a man of opportunities, though, and he's not letting this one pass him by. (in the morning, his kids are traumatized, but that will teach them not to come hound him in his house for bills left unpaid.)

When Sakura turns fourteen, Ino gets her a surprise party.

When Sakura turns fifteen, Naruto takes her out on a date.

When Sakura turns sixteen, Sasuke comes home.

Kisame, Hidan and Deidara are smirking. Itachi wouldn't bother to care, except it's directed at him. It can't be good.

"So you're legal today, un?"

... Oh, hell.

Deidara insists to get him drunk. (Deidara gets drunk first. It's not a total waste of time; the feeling of drunkenness gives Itachi new Genjutsu ideas, and Deidara is too wasted to make testing them on him difficult.)

Hidan prays for him to get in lots of good, bloody carnage today, and then makes it happen when he pisses off some guys in the bar. (God helps those who help themselves, seriously. He then goes and steals Itachi's kills. It's fine; Hidan himself is more interesting as far as targets go.)

Kisame just smirks a lot, all the time they're in the bar, and all the time they're going home, and even more so when he wishes Itachi goodnight.

His foolish little brother is trussed up in a corner, covered in inked seals, and glaring for all he's worth.

Itachi makes a mental note to tell Kisame how pleased he is to have chosen him as a partner, out of all the possibilities.

For Suigetsu's twentieth birthday, Sasuke offers him an unvoiced, implied "we are friends."

Karin gets him a dehumidifier. The bitch.

Kisame gives him the hardest fight of his life, and then his head, and his sword.


the first year...

Yeah, like getting your legs broken and your spine compressed or whatever is any kind of fucking present. Great present, six months in a fucking wheelchair. Could have been killed instead, huh, that what you say, shithead? Well maybe I would have prefered to! Goddamn Leaf bastard.

...and the next...

My own shogi board. What the fuck am I s'posed to do with it, like I can play alone maybe? Or with the guards maybe? You're just too fucking lazy to keep bringing your own, eh.

...and the next.

What the fuck! Now, I'm sure you don't mean that. So don't toy with me! Okay? just don't. I couldn't take -- I couldn't -- oh.

... I admit nothing, you fucking bitch.

kiss me again.

Jiraiya's best birthday ever happens after a very successful mission where the client was so impressed she gave him five jugs of her best sake. Afterwards, Jiraiya claims long and loud that his best present was the kiss that a drunk Tsunade gave him, made even better by the fact that she doesn't remember and he loves infuriating her.

Orochimaru and him both remember the handjob under the table, but neither of them ever talks about it.

Kyuubi is too ancient to remember birthdays.

He still celebrates each century, though. This year, he celebrates it with a feast made of flesh and blood from a thousand humans and more, and pleasure forced out of a hundred, and a fight to the death with one.

He loses.

He will always remember that day.

Kiba's presents the year he turns seventeen.

-Flea dip. Haha, Naruto, you're so funny. It was funny last year, too. No, really.

-Ino, naked but for a leather collar.

-A long walk on the beach with his partner of forever. And lots of fun fetching sticks thrown at the sea.

This year, like every other year, Kakashi offers him a duel. Gai cries manly tears at the overwhelming chivalry possessing his greatest rival. (really, it's because Kakashi is a cheap bastard.)

This year, like every other year, Lee offers him the gift of his renewed promise to never give up, always get stronger, and his deep admiration.

This year -- not like every other year -- Anko offers him a thong.

He wears it, because at least it doesn't make lines under the green spandex, and he is glad to reassure everyone that the rumor is wrong: it is very far from being uncomfortable.

The best presents Kabuto has ever received, by increasing order of importance:

-Scalpels; a whole series, all subtly different, all perfected for one specific task;

-The love and trust of his adoptive father, which made killing him and passing it off as an accident so laughingly easy;

-Orochimaru-sama's purpose, which he wasn't sure he wanted, and now cannot do without.