Fallout for chapter n° 347, therefore spoilerish for that chapter (like the whole fandom doesn't already know. XD) Also pure crack.
Genre: humor, crack, comedic violence
Sasuke POV, after a hypothetical return to Konoha.

"Hmm. Konohamaru didn't get your proportions quite right."

Sasuke didn't like Sai's voice -- or Sai himself, to be truthful, interloping annoyance that he was -- and tended to find his comments either inane or monumentally stupid. Most of the time, he just used all the frozen indifference he had learned to muster in his life to tune him out.

But it wasn't everyday Naruto was stopped cold in the middle of another of his "you're the biggest jerkwad who's ever jerked in the history of ever" diatribes without the judicious application of a fist to the stomach. It wasn't everyday that Sakura sprayed her mouthful of sake hard enough to splatter everything in a four feet radius.

... The way the annoying little brat paled and dived between the couch and the wall wasn't very auspicious, either.

So Sasuke turned on his heel, slowly. Sai was seated behind him, hands folded in front of his mouth, giving Sasuke one of his trademark vacuous, deadpan looks. The look was so empty of all thought and emotion Sasuke needed a couple of seconds to realize that the critical once-over he was given was, more than probably, Sai's way of checking him out.

Sasuke tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. "What, exactly, do you mean?"

Suddenly Sakura's sake cup was teetering on the table, bumping into Sasuke's and Naruto's abandoned glasses; Sakura herself had just teleported to Sai's side and was now grinning up innocently, an arm around Sai's throat and the other hand pressed on his mouth. "Nothing! Nothing, really."

Behind him, Naruto stammered. "Yeah -- yeah, nothing -- hey! Weren't we having an argument? Don't turn your back on me, asshole!"

It would have sounded more convincing if it hadn't come across as more panicked than offended. But Sakura didn't show any signs that she planned on letting go of Sai; he was starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen.

When Sasuke loomed over them, she drew the interloper closer, grip tightening; but Sasuke merely leaned past Sai's shoulder to fish Konohamaru from behind the couch.

"Hey! Leave Konohamaru alone, he didn't do anything!" Naruto protested when Sasuke lifted the little brat by his collar.

"...Really, now." Sasuke didn't think this -- with the huge 'oh shit' eyes -- was the face of an innocent.

Sakura let go of Sai and waved her hands nervously. "Yes, yes, really, he just --"

"I believe it was a Kage Bunshin combined with a Henge no Jutsu."

Naruto and Sakura whirled around and snarled at Sai in unison. "SHUT UP!"

... No, not suspicious at all. Sasuke ignored them, their angry looks at the annoying wannabe, and their worrying at Sasuke himself, and redirected his attention to what his instincts told him was the guilty party. "... And then?"

Konohamaru gave him the kind of defiant look of someone who's trying not to piss his pants. "I -- I'm not afraid of you! Naruto-niisan won't let you do anything to me--urk."

Sasuke watched the brat dangle from his fist by the collar for a few seconds, before he repeated conversationally, "And then?"

"It's not my fault --"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, in a way that meant 'try again'.

"--I wouldn't have had to use it if your ugly hag teammate wasn't only weak against pretty boys -- she asked for it -- Naruto-niisan, heeelp!"

"WHAT did you call me?!" Sakura erupted, waving her fists angrily. "What did you just say, you snot-nosed little punk? Huh? Huh?"

Sasuke blinked slowly. Konohamaru, more used to her temper, only closed his hands on Sasuke's wrist for support and yelled back, secure in the knowledge that she wouldn't shove her teammate out of the way. "I said, SAKURA-NEECHAN IS A FAG KIND OF HAG!"

"W-what? No! I'm not into that stuff at all -- you called me a hag again!"

...Sasuke concluded that Sakura was drunk. And Konohamaru was apparently willing to risk her wrath rather than Sasuke's.

Because what he would do to the little brat might be worse.

Because. Fag hag? Weak against pretty boys? ...Proportions?

Sakura wasn't drunk enough to miss the way Sasuke's face changed with his understanding. Konohamaru wasn't drunk at all, and he couldn't have turner paler if he tried, but he tried anyway.

"... So. Let me guess. You changed into me..."

"And me," Sai added conversationally from his seat on the couch. Sasuke twitched. Sai graced him with one of his vacuous smiles. "We were having sex."

There was a moment of perfect silence and stillness, like one might find at the eye of a cyclone, as Sasuke decided whether he wanted to hurt Konohamaru or Sai more.


Sasuke was going to fix the one of his problems he had in hand, when Naruto bellowed a battle cry and launched himself at him.


"He's your ONLY student," Sakura commented. Sasuke was a bit busy being tackled through a chair and into the hardwood floor to join in the discussion. Growling, he kicked Naruto off him (and into a wall) and jumped back on his feet, scanning the room for the little pest.


"Hey!" Sakura and Naruto chorused. Konohamaru was clinging to her waist and refusing to let go.

Sasuke paused in front of them and drew himself up. "Sakura. Step aside."

Sakura finished off her sake and smiled brightly at him. "Sure."


Sasuke reached for the brat, to help Sakura peel him off her waist. That was the moment Naruto chose to tackle Sasuke to the floor again.

Sasuke had to admit, even with the bruised back and the rather too intimate meetings with hard surface, he liked brawling better than the kind of stiff, awkward, let's-get-drunk-it's-better-than-actually-talking, we-still-love-you-really party he had stupidly subjected himself to.

At some point, he lost track of Konohamaru, but it didn't matter anymore. It was Naruto's fault for teaching the brat his stupid tricks and encouraging him. It was Naruto's fault for nagging and blackmailing Sasuke into hanging out with the brat and the interloper. Everything was always Naruto's fault. (Except when it was Sakura's fault, but Sasuke was pretty sure that could also be chalked up to Naruto in some way.) Besides, hitting him was the best way to unwind Sasuke had ever known.

... though the size of the room made anything but a good old close-combat brawl impossible.

Unexpectedly, Sakura didn't try to stop them all that long; but Sasuke was too busy rolling around on the floor with his best friend-enemy to really wonder about her lack of fretting. And there were punches and insults and angry snarls, and Naruto bit him and Sasuke headbutted him in the nose, and then there were wrestling holds and straddling and all that good stuff, and seriously, who cared about Konohamaru or Sai anymore.

They were at the end of their seventh rolling-around-until-you-hit-the-other-wall circuit, and taking a breather, glaring hotly at each other -- Sasuke was on top this time! Hah, take that, bitch -- when Sai nodded slowly and opened his big fat stupid mouth again.

"Hmm, yes... The proportions weren't quite right."

Sasuke turned his head, slowly. The very slowness would have reminded anyone with a brain of a predator about to pounce. Sai tilted his head and nodded.

"You're a little pudgier around the hips."

Screw Naruto. Sasuke was going to kill him.

And he didn't want to know what Sakura was sighing dreamily at.

Mm, crack. Don't ask me why only those characters are present at the welcome-home-let's-get-drunk party. Or why Sasuke has a hate-on for Sai. It's not Sai-bashing, I just love writing jealous!Sasuke. XD