Homestuck

From the kink meme once again.
Contains: BDSM, humiliation kink, military uniforms, boot worship, cybering. Also letting Eq punctuate a bit more because his quirk was really getting annoying.

Uniform Kink

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

CG: DAMN IT, FIGURES THAT FOR THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION YOU'D BE THE ONLY SORRY BASTARD ONLINE.
CT: D--> I beg you pardon, Vantas?
CT: D--> And I realize this is futile, but might you perhaps curb your language somewhat?
CG: WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT? NOT ONE GLISTENING NOOKFUCK TO BE READ.
CG: NOT THE TINIEST BULGEKNOT. NOT THE SMALLEST BEGINNER'S SLOSHING PAIL.
CG: NO HEAVING FATTY CHESTSACKS. NOT EVEN GOG FORBID MAMMALIAN, MILK-PEARLY ONES.
CT: D--> Vantas!
CT: D--> That's enough of this vulgarity! State your business and stop polluting my screen.
CG: SIR, YES SIR.
CT: D--> ah
CG: JUST KIDDING. KNOW WHY?

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has sent the file TROLLMYSPACEWORTHY.jpg --

CG: BECAUSE THAT, IS WHY.
CG: EQUIUS?
CG: OKAY I KNOW I'M FUCKING MAGNIFICENT BUT YOU CAN TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE PICTURE LONG FUCKING ENOUGH TO GUIDE YOUR EYESTALKS TO THE KEYS AND HUNT AND PECK A FULL WORD OR THREE.
CG: UH. IT DOESN'T LOOK STUPID, DOES
CG: OH HOLY HELL I'D FORGOTTEN. HOW DID I MANAGE TO FORGET.
CG: MAJOR ZAHHAK! EYES IN FRONT. THAT'S A FUCKING ORDER.
CT: D--> Sir, yes sir!
CT: D--> My apologies, that
CT: D--> I was
CT: D--> Congratulations on your promotion to Lieutenant Colonel, s
CT: D--> Vantas.
CG: ANY OTHER DAY I WOULD BE ALL TOO AWARE THAT THIS IS ONLY FODDER FOR YOUR SPANK BANK, BUT TODAY? TODAY I SHALL BE MAGANIMOUS.
CG: MOSTLY BECAUSE I HAVE YET TO GET USED TO IT.
CG: I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER, MAJOR ZAHHAK. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. WOULD YOU PERHAPS BE DISRESPECTING A SUPERIOR OFFICER?
CT: D--> Oh dear.
CT: D--> No sir, Colonel Vantas sir.
CG: HOLY TAINTFLICKING BULGECURL DO I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE ILLEGAL.
CG: ALRIGHT, PERMISSION TO DROP THE TITLE IN PRIVATE, MAJOR.
CG: I'VE SPENT ALL AFTERMIDNIGHT PACING UP AND DOWN MY NEW BLOCK IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. THE ONLY REASON I HAVEN'T YET PACED MY WAY TROUGH THE WHOLE SHIP IS THAT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE FUCKING ERIDAN.
CG: WHADDYA THINK OF A CAPE? DOUCHEY, RIGHT?
CT: D--> I would most strenuously advise against it. It would only obstruct the sharp lines guiding the eye to the waist of your exquisitely tailored jacket.
CG: YEAH, I LIKE HOW THE JACKET CUTS SHORT RIGHT OVER THE TIGHTEST WHITE PANTS KNOWN TO TROLLKIND TOO. BE A SHAME TO HIDE THAT.
CT: D--> That wasn't
CT: D--> I mean
CT: D--> I was merely admiring the craftsmanship.
CG: YEAH, THAT KIND OF SKILL IS WORTH BEING ADMIRED. I SWEAR TO FUCK THERE'S AN ASS-LIFTING TRICK SEWN RIGHT IN. BUTT-WONDERBRA. MY TUSH IS ALREADY PRETTY GOOD USUALLY BUT DEAR LORD, *I'D* DO ME.
CG: I'M RIDICULOUSLY IN LOVE WITH THE EPAULETTES, TOO.
CT: D--> Goodness.
CT: D--> They do loan a certain robust, commanding width to your frame.
CT: D--> It is truly astounding how such a little thing as a flattering cut can make even the lowest cur look so
CT: D--> My apologies, I forgot myself. If you will excuse me for a minute.
CG: DENIED, MAJOR.
CG: FINISH YOUR SENTENCE.
CT: D--> hrrk
CT: D--> Must you really
CG: YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER GAVE YOU AN ORDER, ZAHHAK, DO YOU WANT HIM TO HAVE TO *REPEAT HIMSELF.*
CT: D--> My deepest apologies, sir.
CT: D--> commanding.
CT: D--> This uniform flatters your natural forceful personality in the moist
CT: D--> MOST astonishing yet appropriate way.
CT: D--> Inappropriately appropriate, in fact. This is properly ludicrous. Why, just the set of your shoulders
CG: ...
CG: WHAT ABOUT THE SET OF MY SHOULDERS?
CT: D--> Sir, this is
CT: D--> Inappropriate.
CG: NO, NO, KEEP GOING, THIS PASSES THE TIME. I STILL HAVE THREE HOURS TO GO BEFORE DINNER WITH THE ADMIRAL.
CT: D--> Very well, sir. If you insist.
CG: I AM NOT INSISTING.
CT: D--> oh.
CG: BECAUSE IF I HAD TO INSIST THAT WOULD MEAN YOU WERE DISOBEYING ME, AND THAT I WOULD BE WEAK ENOUGH TO TRY TO TALK YOU INTO *DOING WHAT YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER TOLD YOU TO.*
CG: BUT YOU'RE NOT DISOBEYING, ARE YOU.
CT: D--> oh
CT: D--> that
CG: SENTENCES, MOTHERFUCKER.
CT: D--> Yes sir!
CT: D--> I mean no sir. Not disobeying, sir.
CT: D--> The set of your shoulders conveys
CT: D--> pride
CT: D--> An inordinate, challenging amount of pride.
CT: D--> Astoundingly bright crimson accenting your stance
CT: D--> It would be quite
CT: D--> hard
CT: D--> not to pay attention.
CG: HM.
CT: D--> Colonel Vantas, sir? Was that
CT: D--> satisfactory?
CG: IT'LL DO.
CG: I REALLY FEEL LIKE ERIDAN RIGHT NOW DEAR JEGUSFUCK.
CT: D--> Ampora has much less to flatter himself about than you do.
CT: D--> that is, uh
CT: D--> Oh, fiddlesticks.
CG: ...
CT: D--> My apologies, I spoke out of turn.
CG: YOU
CG: MEANT THAT, DIDN'T YOU.
CG: YOU DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT.
CT: D--> Ah. That.
CG: ZAHHAK.
CT: D--> Yes.
CT: D--> May I be excused.
CG: NO YOU MAY NOT.
CT: D--> Must I beg? Vantas, I
CT: D--> I have pressing matters to attend to. If you are quite done humiliating me?
CG: NOT QUITE, NO.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has sent the file FUCKINGRIDINGBOOTS!!.jpg --

CG: NOT EVEN CLOSE.
CT: D--> Hrrrrrrk
CG: THEY LOOK BETTER IN MOTION. MAKE A WICKED AWESOME NOISE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK IN THOSE WITHOUT *STRIDING.*
CG: TOOK A LITTLE BIT TO GET USED TO KNEE HIGH BLACK LEATHER BUT DEAR LORD DO THEY MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY.
CG: DO THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY, ZAHHAK?
CT: D--> ¨ihlubuj
CT: D--> Vantas
CG: OR PERHAPS THROW YOURSELF DOWN IN PUDDLES SO I WON'T SPLATTER THEM IN THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES?
CT: D--> sir
CT: D--> *sir*
CG: WHAT IF YOU *FAILED*, ZAHHAK, WHAT IF THEY GOT BLOOD ON THEM AFTER ALL.
CG: INDIGO. PURPLE. STUPID BASTARDS WHO WOULND'T GET OUT OF MY DIRTY MUTANT WAY.
CT: D--> ikndffffddddd
CG: WHAT DO YOU DO TO FIX YOUR MISTAKE, ZAHHAK, BEFORE THERE'S BLUE ON THEM AS WELL.
CT: D--> I
CT: D--> sir i
CG: HURRY UP.
CT: D--> might my unworthy mouth please you
CT: D--> might I dirty myself further to clean you
CG: _KEEP GOING.
CT: D--> I wuld usee my tongue, sir, to clean taht exquisite muddleof
CT: D--> your vanquished foes, who ought to have stood so high above, preybeasts for the culling
CT: D--> terribleand glorious
CT: D--> I would
CT: D--> I would kiss teh bright hard toes of yor bootss, left andright, and make my way up inchbyinch
CT: D--> leave the leather glossysmooth
CT: D--> you might, you might
CT: D--> if that were your desire you
CG: HM. ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVEN'T MISSED A SPOT THERE.
CG: I WOULDN'T HESITATE TO HOOK YOUR CHIN W/ MY TOES, MAKE YOU LOOK UP AT ME
CG: YOU'RE NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH
CG: WHAT USE ARE YOU ZAHHAK?
CT: D--> sir none sir i am lamentably sorry may I be punishedsir
CG: YOU STILL HAVE LONG HAIR, DON'T YOU
CT: D--> yesir
CG: GOOD. GOOD HANDLE.
CG: ONE PART OF YOU THAT CAN BE USEFUL.
CG: I'D YANK YOUR HEAD UP BY THAT POINT, GODDAMN USELESS COLDBLOOD FUCKER
CG: WOULD I SEE A BLUE PUDDLE UNDER THERE, ZAHHAK
CG: WOULD THERE BE A FUCKING PUDDLE OF YOUR DISGUSTING FLUIDS SPREADING ON THE GROUND
CT: D--> mixing with teh blood ohdearlord o hyes
CT: D--> I am sosorryso sorry sir please i
CT: D--> let me clean you let me show i can, i
CT: D--> can serve you i can please allow me, allow me to serve please
CG: ... FINE. GeT BACK TO IT.
CT: D--> I would kiss your boots sir kiss them allover allo ver lavish them wit mytongue
CG: NOT ENOUGH. NOT FAST ENOUGH, NOT CLEAN ENOUGH
CG: SMEARING YOUR GROSS SALIVA, DO YOU THINK I WANT YOUR BODY FLUIDS ON MY BOOTS
CG: IF I HOOK MY BOOT UNDER YOUR CROTCH WILL IT COME BACK STAINED, ZAHHAK, IF I PRESS THE TOPOF MY FOOT UP HARD IS YOUR NOOK GOING TO GUSH ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE
CT: D--> šÓ_(" iik ,k
CT: D--> y
CG: Y WHAT, YOU REPUGNANT SACK OF JIZZ AND PUS
CT: D--> sir yes sir iwould stain ur boot sir i am sory
CG: YOU WOULD, WOULDN'T YOU
CG: BET YOUD HUMP MY BOOT TOO, LIKE A WOOFBEAST IN HEAT, YOU COULNDT EVEN STAY STILL, TRY TO COIL YOUR BULGE AROUDN MY ANKLE
CG: GET IT EVERYWHERE
CT: D--> sorry sorry yes
CT: D--> y es
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT SORRY, DOES SORRY CHANGE WHAT YOUVE DONE
CT: D--> no sir i am sorry
CG: CLEAN IT.
CT: D--> ?
CG: WITH YOUR TONGUE.
CG: THATS AN ORDER.

-- centaursTesticle [CT] is idle! --

CG: ZAHHAK, I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR PALEMATE WILL KILL ME IF I MANAGED TO GET YOU TO BRAIN YOURSELF ON A CORNER OF YOUR OWN WORKBLOCK.
CG: TELL ME IF YOU'RE ALIVE AT LEAST OKAY?
CG: EQUIUS?
CT: D--> My apologies, I am simply experiencing
CT: D--> technical difficulties.
CG: YOU RUINED YOUR CHAIR, DIDN'T YOU.
CT: D--> Ah
CG: HEH.
CT: D--> ... heh.
CT: D--> And several nearby piles of parts, I'm afraid.
CG: WHOOOOOOPS...
CG: NOT SORRY AT ALL.
CT: D--> You are incorrigible.
CG: AND YOU DUCKED OUT OF GIVING ME A PROPER DESCRIPTION OF MY BOOTS.
CT: D--> Vantas
CT: D--> You
CT: D--> I find myself at a regrettable loss for descriptors. My deepest apologies.
CG: HOW DEEP DO YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE?
CT: D--> wh
CT: D--> Beg you pardon?
CG: THAT DESCRIPTION WAS SO FUCKING GARBLED, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOUR PERFORMANCE. I'M GONNA HAVE TO MAKE YOU GIVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
CT: D--> Are you suggesting a... second draft?
CT: D--> Ah, edited for typos, as it were?
CG: PFF, NO, STUPID.
CG: I'M SUGGESTING THAT
CG: THIS ONE ISN'T AN ORDER, EQUIUS.
CT: D--> oh.
CG: I'LL BE IN MY BLOCK THIS MORNING AFTER DINNER.
CG: YOU KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO DROP BY. BEFORE I TAKE OFF MY UNIFORM FOR THE DAY.
CG: I'D LET YOU SEE MY BOOTS BEFORE DINNER, BUT, YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY ONLY HAVE THE ONE PAIR SO FAR AND WHY THEY'RE SUDDENLY A NICE GLOSSY COBALT I DO *NOT* WANT TO EXPLAIN TO THE ADMIRAL. JUST SAYING.
CG: HE'S ALREADY GOING TO GIVE ME AND MY NICE CRIMSON TRIM THE HAIRY EYEBALL ALL MEAL LONG, FUCK THAT NOISE. BETWEEN HIM AND THE OTHER LIEUTENANT COLONELS AND MAJORS, AT LEAST ONE OF WHICH IS GUARANTEED TO ATTEMPT A CULL PROMOTION AT MY DETRIMENT, I WOULD APPRECIATE A FUCKING REASON TO KEEP A COCKY MOTHERFUCKING SMIRK ON MY FACE ALL NIGHT LONG.
CT: D--> Yes.
CG: NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO
CG: OH. GOOD.
CT: D--> Culling attempts, you say?
CG: 'COURSE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DEMONSTRATE ANY SIGN OF COMPETENCE THAT WAY.
CT: D--> So when you come back, you may be
CT: D--> weary?
CG: OH UH. YEAH. MAYBE. HM.
CT: D--> Oh.
CG: OH!
CG: BUT I'LL BE WIRED EITHER WAY. THWARTING ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS DOES THAT.
CG: AND MY BOOTS WILL BE *REALLY* FUCKING *DIRTY*.
CT: D--> oh.
CT: D--> I shall await you in your quarters, sir, if you will permit.
CG: DRAW ME A HOT BATH. GET ME FOOD THAT WON'T BE POISONED.
CG: AND THEN WAIT FOR ME.
CT: D--> Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
CG: IF YOU DO GOOD YOU MIGHT EVEN GET TO CLEAN MORE THAN MY BOOTS.
CG: DON'T DISAPPOINT ME.
CT: D--> I won't, sir.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is idle! --

CG: DON'T WORRY. I'LL PUNISH YOU ANYWAY.
CT: D--> n IIK_Ŕ|N
CT: D--> Thank you, sir.
CT: D--> Thank you.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --