Homestuck

For this kink meme prompt: So, seadweller!Bro sees lowblood!Dave and it's pity at first sight. Maybe he's using weird seadweller rituals or maybe he's just being his strange self to court Dave. Unfortunately, Dave has no idea why this finface is constantly in his business. Show me how they become moirails, please. ?
This fic is all in pesterlogs, contains major age difference, and has background dave/terezi/karkat shenanigans, because I could. Also in my head Bro and Dirk use a different screen name, don't ask me why. >_>;; Possibly because Dirk might actually be around as his own person? But anyway.
Original prompt.

Pale as Moonlight and Kraken Murderbots

-- ghastlyTrickster [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: hey dev! still alive or have you joined the ghosts haunting your sweet-ass hive already? §:B

TG: ((no buddy im dead this is a spooky ghost chat))

TG: ((fulfilling all your adolescent dreams but plz to be waiting until were done chatting to coat your keyboard with spunk if you dont mind))

TG: ((you dont want me to wrongly assume you've gone afk with no fucking warning once again and sign off on you in the middle of a thrilling description of paranormal shenanigans right))

GT: haha, okay. i'll wait until you're done to pull out my flushed pail.

GT: i decorated it with a screencap from the board where we first heard about your gorgeous, gorgeous new hive, remember?

TG: ((the one that makes it look like a giant hoofbeast dick surging from the waters with violent enthusiasm right))

TG: ((how could i ever forget that shit is engraved in my thinkpan like my thinkpan is a plaque of titanium that equius traced high art onto))

GT: eww, buddy.

GT: but anyway, your hive? §:D

TG: ((i feel so pitied here its insane))

TG: ((careful rrhoze doesnt happen upon this innocent chatlog and notice the pale passion oozing from your grasping fronds onto the screen))

TG: ((oh no dehvid had to relocate to some abandoned hive in the middle of the fucken sea that even the demolition drones wont go to and stories of death and misery are told about))

TG: ((thats so awesome we should put a camera on his head and throw him into a random secret passage every day woowee))

GT: it kind of would be awesome, actually, hehehehe.

TG: ((you little turdmuncher why i ought to sign right off))

GT: aww, you know i'm just kidding. come on, buddy, story please.

GT: i'll send you snacks!

TG: ((they better be the really expensive ones))

TG: ((so))

TG: ((our hero wakes up in the evening and wonders))

TG: ((will it be the random roving robots today or the inexplicable rain of fish))

TG: ((mayhaps the appliances turning themselves on as he walks past hey little boy do you want something *defrosted*??))

TG: ((or will he come out of the coon to find an innocent black pail seated right in the middle of the carpet yeah thanks voyeurghost it would have been useful two hours ago and then again only if youd woken me up first but never mind))

GT: oh my GOG. §XDDDDD

GT: wait, that really did happen??? oh wow.

TG: ((yes))

TG: ((it really did))

GT: woooow, you still jizz your coon in your sleep, bro. how old are you again?

TG: ((...))

TG: ((shut up i was visited in dreams by the ghosts of troll demi moore and troll will smith i bet ur jelly now))

GT: hehehe. yeah, totally jelly!

GT: but seriously, your ghost is a major creepster.

TG: ((tell me something new))

TG: ((makes for a really fun life experience im never bored))

TG: ((also either ive gotten used to avoiding the traps or ive triggered them all and theyre done cause the lethal shit has been happening way less often))

GT: it's probably lulling you into a false sense of security. and then when you least expect it... SPLAT!

TG: ((yeah thats what i assumed))

GT: it sounds like so much fun, i wish i could visit you.

TG: ((yeah bro that sounds like an awesome idea))

TG: ((i see you in the evening preparing your little overday bag))

TG: ((and then your darling neighbor ex who *still has your keys what the fuck johonn* walks right in and asks you where youre going))

TG: ((oh just visiting my buddy dehvid you remember him he cockblocked you killing aradia and you went and killed his lusus and then he killed your lusus to the betterment of everyones quality of life yourself included but its okay youve totally forgiven him for that one right))

GT: §:/ aw, come on.

TG: ((now please dont follow me i know youll respect my request because you have no boundary issues whatsoever and did not swear revenge forcing him to abandon his actual hive at fucking all))

GT: *SIGH* okay, okay! stop it with the guilt trip already, i get it!

GT: not even if i stopped by rrhoze's first to cut the trail?

TG: ((sorry bro))

TG: ((maybe later but atm i dont feel ive mastered the arcane secrets of this majestic hive enough to ensure a guests safety and if i get you culled via hilarious boulder drop rrhoze will subjugglate me into fine paste))

TG: ((and then the ghost may well swear vendetta on her))

TG: ((come to think of it they would have a pitch romance for the ages hmmm maybe were onto something))

GT: pfffffff.

GT: i'm totally taking this as a promise to invite us over in the future so you can matchmake. i'm telling her right now!

TG: ((no bro dont tell her then ill have to))

GT: too late! hehehe. §:B

GT: she said: "~Delightful. I shall wear my finest facepaint.~"

TG: ((damnit))

TG: ((gtg a fucking delivery drone just drifted half drowned onto my doorstep what the hell))

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is idle! --

TG: ((ok now its fully drowned and i got a month of free groceries))

TG: ((did you know my hives foundation was home to a robot kraken))

------

> INPUT PASSWORD
((password what password like i fucking know what kind of password you need))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((is it like your lusus name or a random combination of numbers and an algorithm to solve on the fly))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((shitfuckhell figures this place has like a dozen abandoned grubtops was that asshole sea dweller loaded or what and they actually took computer security seriously))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((who does that in this day and age))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((were you offed by a frustrated grubtop repairman dude is that what happened))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((your kismesis wanted the porn you took the cockblocking too far bam seized by fury at being foiled she chokes you to death on her bulge))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((whoops all that and i still don't have their fucken password life is unfair))

> PASSWORD ACCEPTED
((wait what))

> ENTER YOUR TROLLIAN SCREEN NAME
((uhh))

> SCREEN NAME INVALID. ENTER YOUR TROLLIAN SCREEN NAME
((holy shit what are you the ghost in the machine are you trying to contact me is this a spooky ghost chat for real))

> SCREEN NAME INVALID. ENTER YOUR TROLLIAN SCREEN NAME
((i need an aradia))
((oh you fucking asshole ghost i cant contact aradia until i enter my screen name in the first place you got me good didnt you))

> SCREEN NAME INVALID. ENTER YOUR TROLLIAN SCREEN NAME
turntechGodhead

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is online! --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: Mind the locked files. You're not old enough for them yet.

-- gailyTerminating [GT] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: ((what))

TG: ((the fuck))

TG: ((was that))

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((holy glbgolybs gigantic moby dick what))

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

TG: ((yo man its your other favorite rustbuddy))

TG: ((the more rugged one))

TA: dv. what do you want?

TG: ((wow so suspicious here i am just saying hi how are you i missed your adorably freak eyed face and you already think i want something from you harsh))

TA: yeah, ii'm a total a22hole. what do you want?

TG: ((can you track someone for me))

TG: ((dudegal just imed me and theyre not on my chumproll and im not set up to accept outsider adoration you know itd take too much of my time))

TA: 2iigh.

TA: 2o gogdamn boriing. you're lucky ii 2tiill owe you.

TG: ((youll owe me to the end of the universe but lets not let that come between us when i need a favor))

TG: ((theyre a gt too srsly ive never met a gt who wasnt a total bulgehole whats up with that))

TA: ok, 2hut your bulge hol2ter and let the geniiu2 work. 2houldn't take more than a couple of miinute2.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] is idle! --

TA: ok what the gloriiou2 2hiitchutefuck, ii cant even track YOU

TA: iit'2 liike your IIM2 emerge from the voiid, what the hell

TG: ((oh uh wow that is))

TG: ((really fucking reassuring i am really fucking reassured))

TG: ((remember how i had to bail from my hive after vriska switched targets to my fine red ass))

TA: yeah.

TG: ((well i had to hole up in this abandoned sea dweller hive that the drones didnt raze down for some reason that is becoming more obvious by the day))

TG: ((if you cant find a solution imma ask your paler half cause itll mean its more her area than either of ours if you get my meaning but))

TG: ((i really dont want to have it turn out to be her area and this is starting to give me a different feel anyway))

TG: ((heres the convo))

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent the file ((whatthefuckisupwiththatmessage)).txt --

TA: -- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TA: thii2 ii2 eiither a gorgeou2 hack, a riidiiculou2ly iin depth joke ii am goiing to cruciify your a22 over, or

TG: ((or))

TA: hm

TG: ((cmon captor dont leave me hanging))

TG: ((or??))

TA: you know what. challenge accepted.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] is idle! Message: 2tand by, haxx0riing iin progre22 --

TG: ((fuckdamnit))

------

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: ALRIGHT, ENOUGH DUMBFUCKERY.

CG: SOLLUX HAS BEEN ENSCONCED IN THIS SECRET PROJECT OF HIS FOR SIX FUCKING NIGHTS NOW, AND ALL I KNOW ABOUT IT IS THAT HE HAS LOST THREE COMPUTERS, SOME OF WHICH HE COULD NOT AFFORD TO CASUALLY WASTE, AND THAT YOU ARE INVOLVED IN THE DEBACLE.

CG: WHAT IN THE VAST REACHES OF OUR TENDER, CARING HIVEWORLD IS GOING ON?

CG: DON'T EVEN THINK OF NOT TELLING ME, I WILL SPAM YOU UNTIL YOU SPIT IT OUT AND YOU KNOW IT.

TG: ((thats the thing it might not be happening on alternia at all))

CG: WHAT.

TG: ((and the worst is im not sure if i mean its offworldly or otherworldly this is unnerving as fuck here you happy))

CG: UH. DEHVID. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

CG: THAT WAS, ER. SURPRISINGLY CANDID.

TG: ((ive been living in freakland for almost a perigee im ready to be candid with a fucking rock at this point))

TG: ((the only reason i havent been contacted by rrhoze much is she could tell id crack with zero effort on her part and its too easy for her!!))

TG: ((rauuuughgh!!!!))

CG: UH.

CG: YOU KNOW I'M YOUR FRIEND, AND

CG: I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP YOU, I GUESS.

CG: WELL I WOULDN'T MIND TOO MUCH.

CG: IN A PURELY, UNAMBIGUOUSLY FRIENDLY FASHION.

CG: BUT, UM. GAMZEE IS NOT SO GOOD AT THE AMBIGUOUS STUFF.

CG: DEV?

CG: DEHVID STRYDE, YOU GET BACK ON LINE THIS INSTANT.

TG: ((yeah sorry for missing your touching display of no pile bro))

TG: ((youve been thwarted by a surprise contender))

TG: ((by which i mean a titchy little robot just whirred out of the wall and beat me in the face with a down filled pillow))

CG: OKAY, YOU NEED TO TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON.

CG: I HEARD ABOUT THE EMERGENCY RELOCATING ALREADY. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THE NEW HIVE?

TG: ((whats not the problem with the new hive))

TG: ((well first its a sea dweller hive so ofc youd expect the easily triggered secret passages in stupid places and the five unnecessary levels between each useable block yeah))

CG: YEAH, THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED. PAN-TWISTED PARANOIACS.

TG: ((the place is lousy with robots))

TG: ((a lot of them are rusted and havent had maintenance in however many sweeps since the owner died or was conscripted whatever and the programming gets glitchy as fuck))

TG: ((could be doing anything i get attacked and strifed to within an inch of my life with very real blades that would kill me very real dead if i miss my swing and then suddenly the robot will whirr off and im left in a puddle of my sweat on the floor wondering what the fuck))

CG: SHIT, YEAH, THAT SOUNDS NERVE-WRACKING.

TG: ((and then the pizza drone will get a bad address and randomly drop me five of my favorite on the house))

CG: ... HUH.

TG: ((also once i was in the kitchen trying to open a stuck cupboard and the lamps went all flickery like oooh now youve done it bro and the robokraken slipped a fucking tentacle through the window and chucked me into the ocean))

TG: ((had to swim back through its tentacles that was fucking awesome i know how to swim super well being a land dweller from a desert town))

TG: ((well now i know how to a little better than i did i guess))

TG: ((went back to the cupboard turns out it was full of creepnasty sex puppets))

TG: ((aw you hungry boy YOU CAN FEAST ON OUR BULGE SHAPED SNIFFNODES open wide!!))

CG: STRYDE, IF YOU MAKE ME SHUSH YOU I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

CG: NOT THAT IT WILL BE VERY LONG ONCE GAMZEE HAS HAD HIS CLUBBY WAY WITH YOUR HORN SOCKETS.

TG: ((argh sorry jegusfuck))

TG: ((you know im not pale for you bro esp not with me as the pappee thats just wrong for our normal states of mind))

CG: OHO. DID YOU JUST INDICATE AN INTEREST IN APPLYING YOUR PALM TO MY SNOUT HERE?

TG: ((gogdamnit))

TG: ((NO.))

CG: THERE, THERE, I'M JUST YANKING YOUR METALLIC RETAINING DEVICE. SEE? NOW YOU'RE NOT FREAKING OUT AT THE HIVE ANY LONGER.

TG: ((no im freaking out at you *because youre trying to calm me down* thats way better))

CG: SHUT UP. ANY OTHER STRANGE EVENTS?

TG: ((that's the gist of it))

TG: ((apart from that time it brought me a pail because id jizzed my coon that one was really above and beyond but apart from that its just more of the same thing))

TG: ((surprise sparring surprise food delivery sometimes the kraken beans me in the head with fresh trout the appliances and wall lights all say hello when i walk by))

TG: ((oh and i get free movies on all the sites i have accounts at))

TG: ((the download speed is unreal))

CG: WOULD YOU SAY THAT THE SURPRISE STRIFING HAS IMPROVED YOUR ABILITY?

TG: ((fuck yeah it was that or dying))

TG: ((oh and that time i fell through a floor trap and ended up in an armory))

TG: ((wall to wall sharp shit gorgeousness))

TG: ((and then of course surprise guardianbot to vanquish and then it turned out all the blades were curved and i suck a bit at handling them its gonna take me a while to figure them out))

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

TG: ((yeah me neither))

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THAT YOUR HIVE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU.

TG: ((...... wat))

CG: AND THAT IT'S WORKING.

TG: ((okay no stop right there with your ridic shenanigans were not in one of your movies in which some asshole fills pail with a ghost and then chooses to get culled to join them in death as violins and bone percussion music swells in the background))

TG: ((were in the real world here and random acts of shitty programming are not romantic fucking declarations!))

CG: WHEN YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT THE ARMORY.

CG: I DARE YOU TO TELL ME YOU WERE NOT SMILING.

TG: ((you know what))

TG: ((youre zero help and i should have known that))

TG: ((fuck you and good night))

------

-- gardenGnostic [GG] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: hey mister grumpygrouch!! have you tried...

GG: TROLLING THE PURPLE GUY AGAIN???

GG: because if youd rather stay on your butt and whine than try even the simplest most self evident step maybe you should just give up and move out ?://

-- gardenGnostic [GG] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: ((goddamnit jayden stop being reasonable at me))

------

> INPUT PASSWORD
((ok what was it last time something about how i didnt have the password and life was unfair))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((life is unfair))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((wwehh))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((password))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((aw cmon that always works in movies))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((are you there purple text dude its me margah rhette))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((gt???))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((are you asleep))
((do ghosts in the machine dream))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((do sea dweller helmsmen exist))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((have you gone to haunt greener pastures))
((fuck you for being casteist))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((im gonna take my fabulous rust ass and my even fabulouser rack and flounce out of this swank ass hive you mark my words))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((i can do this all night))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((only after ive left i wont bother doing it anymore and youll be alone with the bots again))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((life after death is so hard))
((its hard and no one understands))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((wwwweeeeehhhhh))

> INPUT PASSWORD
((cmon its the cry of your people you can not let it ring unheard))

> PASSWORD ACCEPTED
> TURNTECHGODHEAD SIGNING IN...

-- turntechGodhead [TG] is online! --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: Sure I can.

TG: ((holy shit it worked))

TG: ((you can but i notice you didnt hmmmmm))

GT: What do you want? Kind of busy here.

TG: ((no what do YOU want who are you where are you what the fuck is even going on explain things to me))

GT: You want me to explain "things."

GT: Sure thing.

GT: When you enter your fifth sweep of life, your body starts preparing for your future reproductive life.

TG: ((okay NO))

GT: Some of your organs start growing bigger. That is normal.

TG: ((is having a bulge a size of my forearm normal o wise and not creepy elder))

TG: ((also if you honestly think im five sweeps im gonna chuck everything electronic into the sea and swim out toward the wider ocean just saying))

GT: Dehvid Stryde, hemochrome a10000, six sweeps and a half, cawing featherbeast lusus deceased four perigees ago, status: orphan cull list. Hive razed, subject not found.

TG: ((...))

GT: I don't give a shit, kid.

TG: ((you planning to tip off the drones))

TG: ((they wont get through this hives defenses))

GT: Heh. Thanks.

TG: ((oh shit its your hive))

TG: ((shit))

TG: ((figures))

TG: ((i promise i did not break anything that wasnt already a piece of shit and if you tell me when youre coming back i can have it vacated p fast i mean its not like i brought much of my own shit along))

GT: Kid, don't tell me you're stupid enough you haven't figured it out yet.

TG: ((i figured it out i just dont want to have figured it out this is a time honored tradition also known as denial))

GT: Heh.

TG: ((so uh))

TG: ((hows adult life treating you))

GT: Pretty annoyingly right now. Gotta go, one of my actors is throwing a shitfit.

-- gailyTerminating [GT] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: ((no wait))

TG: ((wait why do i want you to wait))

TG: ((oh right youve explained jack shit))

------

TG: ((and thats whats been happening with me))

GC: MOST TROUBL1NG 1ND33D

GC: 1T WOULD S33M YOU H4V3 4 SU1TOR!!

TG: ((oh fuckdamnit not you too))

TG: ((karkats been on my case about it too how come you guys agree this is just fucking wrong))

GC: H3 4GR33S? >:[

GC: 1 M1GHT H4V3 TO CH4NG3 MY 4SS3SSM3NT TH3N

GC: JUST K1DD1NG 1M N3V3R WRONG

GC: 1 GU3SS H3S 4LLOW3D TO 4CC1D3NT4LLY B3 R1GHT FROM T1M3 TO T1M3 >:/

GC: HRMFRGH >:[

TG: ((uh tz))

TG: ((im saying that upfront))

TG: ((i refuse to enter the ashen quadrant with you and karkat))

TG: ((fate worse than death there))

GC: NO WORR13S, 1 R3FUS3 TO PULL 31TH3R H1M OR YOU 1NTO 1T

GC: W3 DONT N33D 4N 4USP1ST1C3 4NYW4Y 4S W3 4R3 COMPL3T3LY F1N3

GC: H3S JUST B31NG 4N 4NNOY1NG WH1NY GRUB 4BOUT 3V3RYTH1NG 4S 4LW4YS >:[

GC: BUT 4NYW4Y YOUR SU1TOR PROBL3M

TG: ((ugh what makes you think that dudegirl is even no ok you know what shut up i dont need a list))

GC: YOU SHOULD B3 GL4D TH3Y L1V3 V3RY F4R 4W4Y

TG: ((i am))

TG: ((but theres no way the robots arent full of cameras oh lord))

TG: ((is that the price for living here gt))

TG: ((an eyeful of tender preascension buttocks))

TG: ((yeah ok i think i can live with that should i pose for the cameras maybe))

GC: YOU W1LL M4K3 4 D4RL1NG P3DOPH1L3 M4SCOT ON TH3 FL33TW1D3N3T D3V >:]

TG: ((groan))

GC: > :]

TG: ((not the eyebrows tz cmon))

GC: TH3 3Y3BROWS C4NT B3 T4M3D

GC: >:]

GC: > :]

GC: >;]

GC: 4NYW4Y H1S OR H3R 1NT3R3ST S33MS TO M3 MOR3 R3D TH4N BL4CK

GC: WH1CH 1S V3RY GOOD FOR YOU B3C4US3 1 DONT TH1NK YOUD SURV1V3 TH3 D4RK3R 4TT3NT1ONS OF 4N 4DULT 1N FULL CONTROL OF YOUR SURROUND1NGS

GC: 3SP3C14LLY TH3 L3TH4L1TY L3V3LS

TG: ((gnnnh dont remind me))

GC: 4ND H1S TRY1NG TO TR41N YOU UP S33MS TO L34N MOR3 TOW4RD P4L3 TH4N FLUSH 4S FLUSH WOULD B3 MOR3 CONC3RN3D W1TH YOUR CURR3NT F34R 4ND SUFF3R1NG TH4N W1TH WH4TS GOOD FOR FUTUR3 YOU

GC: WH1CH 1S GOOD B3C4US3 TH3 LONG 4RM OF TH3 L4W W1LL N33D 4NOTH3R F3W SW33PS TO GROW TO 4 SUFF1C13NT L3NGTH >:[

TG: ((oooor it could be utterly platonic and merely some curiosity about whos been squatting in their old hive))

TG: ((heshe was talking about actors maybe theyre luring and filming preascension kids to hisher hive for a reality tv thing and))

TG: ((uh))

TG: ((... tz?))

GC: Y3S W3LL >:[

TG: ((did you just say you had dibs))

TG: ((is that what you basically just said))

GC: ... M4YB3 4 L1TTL3!

TG: ((oh))

GC: ...

TG: ((...))

TG: ((<3))

GC: <3<3<3<3<3

GC: >:DDD Y3SSSSSS SUCK 1T GT TH3 BOY 1S M1N3

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: That's okay, tell her I wasn't interested.

GT: Congrats, by the way.

-- gailyTerminating [GT] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: ((santa claws fucking all his little hoofbeasts.))

------

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AA: hey dehvid

TG: ((hey aradia hows it shakin))

AA: seven p0int three 0n the richter scale! :0

TG: ((bootylicious))

AA: y0u kn0w it.

TG: ((are you doing the double pistols and a wink thing at your screen you giant dork))

AA: i t0tally embrace my d0rkitude and s0 sh0uld y0u

AA: but anyways ive g0t a message f0r y0ur friend

TG: ((is it a spooky message))

TG: ((which friend))

AA: the 0ffplanet 0ne

TG: ((oh tentacle gods no dont you have a message from my dead lusus instead))

TG: ((caw caw caaaaww cawcaw yes dad im flossing regularly))

AA: tell him if he keeps breaking s0lluxs c0mputers s0 casually that he sh0uld pay f0r them t00

AA: its pissing him 0ff t0 the max which makes him desperate t0 try again which means he wastes m0ney he can n0t aff0rd to spend t0 replace his machines

AA: als0 ive been getting hardc0re pilebl0cked f0r weeks n0w and that is n0t 0n

TG: ((bluh bluh okay))

TG: ((yes aradia send me into the lair of the wigglerpetter you are a true friend))

TG: ((why cant you contact him personally dont tell me sollux doesnt have his screenname by now))

AA: because 0nly y0ur hive has a permanent c0nnecti0n 0ffplanet stupid why d0 y0u think s0llux is having s0 many pr0blems finding him

TG: ((oh huh))

TG: ((okay okay))

TG: ((will do))

AA: thanks!! :D

AA: and if he tries t0 pap y0ur glutes tell him im sending all the kismeses hes ever 0ffed by mistake or b0red0m after him

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((oh dont play that card with me you asswipe))

TG: ((cmon))

TG: ((gt??))

TG: ((sad unloved grub featherbeast in snow))

GT: Oh no, how shall I resist.

GT: It takes a minute to calibrate this thing, have a little patience.

GT: A permanent signal down to the home planet would be noticed pretty quickly.

TG: ((oh))

GT: I've also been known to close my eyes and feign sleep from time to time.

TG: ((lying in wait huh))

GT: You know it.

GT: What's up, kid?

TG: ((im not up im down if i were farther down this here gravity well id have to be underwater))

TG: ((get yo facts straight))

GT: Yes, Sassmaster Stryde, at once, Sassmaster Stryde.

GT: Oh wait, looks like I forgot my fact iron up your asshole.

TG: ((i barely noticed it was there tbh it must not be much bigger than your bulge))

GT: ...

GT: Okay. Sass on pause.

TG: ((?))

TG: ((sass paused i guess))

GT: So we're all clear on the topic and it never needs revisited again, I have zero interest in your various bodily orifices and the filling thereof. The snark will flow and ain't no stopping it, but that's all it is. Okay? Okay.

GT: Sass away.

TG: ((see now ive got permission its not as fun somehow))

TG: ((i know ill be super polite itll be a novel experience))

GT: You little shit.

TG: ((but a cute shit right))

GT: Imagine me pursing my lips very sternly.

TG: ((dude cant imagine you i dont know what you look like))

GT: I've got a head, two arms, and two legs. The head is toward the top.

TG: ((that is super not fair i bet youve got cameras everywhere and know perfectly well what i look like naked))

GT: Yeah. Sorry about that.

GT: The security system still reports to me so I did get a couple eyefuls of your tender wigglerhood, or what there was of it.

TG: ((dont know if should be creeped or not))

GT: I've put it on lockdown since but the bots also have cameras and I can't turn those off, they need them to get around.

TG: ((leaning toward creeped tbh))

GT: That is an entirely reasonable reaction toward the situation.

TG: ((you owe me))

GT: Alright. I'll trade you for rent.

TG: ((whoa whoa there im not that kind of boy are you suggesting im paying you with my body))

GT: ... Wow, I seem to keep running right back to creeperhood without even trying. Looks like that is my true home. Good job, self.

GT: I also completely missed the fact that you tried to play me, by the way.

TG: ((eh just cause im using it to play you doesnt make it not true))

TG: ((at least my hatefriend rrhoze always says so and if that was fake it would mean shes a big lying liar and that just cannot be true because she told me so))

GT: Heh, okay. What do I owe you?

TG: ((hmmm five questions))

GT: Alright.

TG: ((asl))

GT: That's three questions.

TG: ((no its three letters gogdamn you really need a new fact iron))

TG: ((also a name thatd be cool))

GT: Pff. Fine. Director Vibronic.

TG: ((oh uh you already have a title))

TG: ((i thought maybe you were younger))

GT: I got the title pretty young. 32/Male/Somewhere in space.

GT: Just call me Bro. *Not* Vibe, for the pity you bear your matesprit.

TG: ((why not))

TG: ((apart from the fact that its kind of pervy))

GT: Second question, and it's what my actors call me.

TG: ((youre a movie director right? thats p cool))

GT: ...

GT: I do pornographic propaganda.

TG: ((asjkl))

TG: ((*what*))

GT: Fill buckets for your Empire, that's sexy. Being a threshecutioner gets you a ton of tail, guaranteed, look what happens in the barracks. Best ten inappropriate uses of your field weapon. Etc. Etc.

GT: It's ridiculously, painfully boring.

GT: I used to love making porn when I was still on planet. Now I have quotas to fill and patriotic slogans to slip in and it's just plain boring. Even the how to make the dialogue sound hilariously wrong game has stopped being funny. I get handed a pail and I yawn. My job will get me culled for inability to provide slurry some day soon, the rate it's going.

TG: ((youre kind of coming on a bit strong here dude))

GT: ...

GT: *Fuck.*

TG: ((sokay just))

TG: ((those are p much the definition of problems im not adequately equipped to understand due to age discrepancy))

GT: Sorry. Didn't mean to come on to you.

GT: I've got to go back to 'coon, I've got two hours of sleep left in my day and I'm going to need them. Later.

TG: ((NO WAIT))

GT: All caps? Huh. Okay, I'm waiting.

TG: ((i uh was supposed to give you a message from my hatefriend aradia))

TG: ((shes solluxs palemate idk if you know who he is))

GT: Oh.

GT: I've got his profile. Yellowblood armageddon hacker dude who's been trying to get to me?

TG: ((yeah exactly))

TG: ((let me just))

TG: AA: tell him if he keeps breaking s0lluxs c0mputers s0 casually that he sh0uld pay f0r them t00 AA: its pissing him 0ff t0 the max which makes him desperate t0 try again which means he wastes m0ney he can n0t aff0rd to spend t0 replace his machines AA: als0 ive been getting hardc0re pilebl0cked f0r weeks n0w and that is n0t 0n

GT: Yeah, okay. I've got his banking info. Will tweak a couple of things.

GT: Goodnight.

TG: ((wait))

GT: What.

TG: AA: and if he tries to pap y0ur glutes tell him im sending all the kismeses hes ever 0ffed by mistake or b0red0m after him

TG: ((poke))

TG: ((still there))

GT: Yeah. Tell your friend not to worry about that. Can I go and get some sleep now.

TG: ((are you kidding when am i gonna find you sleep deprived and off balance from pissiness next))

GT: Gogdamnit, Dehvid.

TG: ((so uh))

TG: ((how pale for me are you exactly))

GT: Pale enough that I'm not going to indulge in your awkward flirting because you think there's little risk on account of my being off-planet and it's really freaking titillating to have an adult after you.

GT: You're wrong. There is a risk. I'm a fucking fish troll, we're not known to be stable. You really don't need to be encouraging me.

GT: We can chat. We can even, perhaps, become hatefriends. But if you try to tempt me to have a feelings jam with you I am ending this, permanently.

TG: ((dude youre the one who started hitting on me first!))

GT: Yeah. That's exactly why I need to set clear limits so it doesn't happen again.

GT: Night.

-- gailyTerminating [GT] stopped trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: ((yeah well fuck you too))

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] has joined memo --

TG: ((hello ladies))

TG: ((whats the haps in this fine ass memo with my fine ass broads))

TT: ~We were updating Nepeta's grid on the latest quadrant shenanigans of our little group.~

AC: :33 < yup! boy it's b33n shifting all over the place recently.

TG: ((i just remembered i forgot to feed the kraken whoops))

TG: ((gtg before it decides to dine on my gorgeous glutes))

GG: stay right where you are, dev!!! ?>:( like we dont know its a freaking robot!!

AC: :33 < *the huntress stalks clowdser through the high grass, tail lashing*

AC: :33 < *she knows the featherbeast is hiding things furrom her!!*

TG: ((no kidding im hiding things from you im surprised to hear rrhoze and jayden didnt let it slip already))

GG: ummm actually we did, she's just waiting to hear it from your mouth ?:DD;;;

AC: :33 < *nod nod* *looks hopefurl*

TT: ~Come, now, don't be stingy.~

TG: ((yeah ok me and tz are totally a flush item))

AC: >:(( < i knew that already!!! DD:<

TG: ((ah but did you know tz and karkat are totally gonna end up a blackrom item like pretty soon at the rate its going))

TG: ((im leaning toward caliginous but they keep going back and forth on whether they want to go that far its wearying))

TT: ~It's truly hard to guess. My best guess would be that they would land on ash purely from how awkward they both are at admitting that they do want to kiss, and possibly vigorously.~

TT: ~It reminds me of another current case of awkward dancing around quadrants...~

TG: ((ffff))

AC: :33 < :3333333333 come on, you know i'm not that bad at pale ship pounceling, it couldn't hurt!

TG: ((ok fine))

TG: ((so im being NOT palecourted by an adult))

TG: ((putting this on the table so everyone can see it))

AC: :33 < :OO

TG: ((seadweller title of director vibronic 32 sweeps old))

GG: holy SHIT. ?:(

TG: ((yeah))

TT: ~NOT courted, you say?~

TG: ((yeah dude accidentally slipped up and told me all about his shitty moviemaking life and then freaked out saying that was never gonna happen again cause he was dangerous and i needed to not be encouraging him bluhbluh dev i know im TITILLATING but you should guard your chastity better))

TG: ((yeah totally my fault you unloaded on me dude))

TG: ((anyway its been like ten days now and hes been afk nonstop so probably hes decided to lock away the temptation of my fragile barely pubescent cuddlefronds))

TG: ((fuck him seriously he can get off to all the spy cameras hes got in my hive))

TG: ((ok his hive i guess))

TG: ((but he wont say hi or anything just watch from the shadows???))

TG: ((THAT IS ABOUT TEN TIMES MORE CREEPY))

AC: :33 < 833

TT: ~My.~

GG: yeah no kidding.

GG: uhh do you need a jam or something?? ?:X

TG: ((ghh fuck you harlea))

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] is back from idle! --

TG: ((aw fuck you were here))

TG: ((hi hon))

TG: ((um))

GC: >:[ G1MM3 4 S3C, R34D1NG OV3R TH3 THR34D

TG: ((you dont have to do that))

GC: >:[

TG: ((youre still doing that yeah ok))

TT: ~It does seem he is aware that his ephebophiliac tendencies are wrong, at least.~

TT: ~That does not mean he does not have them. You should heed his warning.~

TT: ~If he is truly feeling the stirrings of pale affection then the last thing he wants is to hurt you, yet attempting to have you reciprocate his feelings would do just that.~

TT: ~Cautious distance seems like the best bet, in my opinion.~

TG: ((would you keep your distance))

TT: ~Hell no.~

TT: ~But I'm the indigoblood who enjoys juggling burning clubs.~

AC: :33 < it sounds like you're purrty intrigued!

TG: ((no are you crazy hes like four times my age and possibly older than ill ever be))

TG: ((and ok hes not the stuck up kind of fish troll hell he even called himself a fish troll but hes still a fish troll))

TG: ((also yeah ok the taking care of me via robots without saying a thing is kinda really creepy))

TG: ((dude is a pornographer you cant expect normal social development there))

AC: :33 < *ac puts her chin on her joined paws and purrs encouragingly*

TG: ((did you just chinhand at me))

GG: *chinhands with* ?:33 tell us more about this little crush you totally dont have

TG: ((ok no im putting a ban on paws and chins touching))

GC: OV3RRUL3D ON 4CCOUNT OF TH1S DR4GONYDD C4NT B3 STOPP3D *PUTS M4SS1V3 J4WS TO R3ST ON H3R 3L3G4NT T34R1NG CL4WS*

TG: ((not funny))

TT: ~I beg to differ.~

TT: ~Only one of my hands is currently cupping my chin.~

TG: ((not you too i thought you agreed he was dangerous))

TT: ~Of course he is, and of course you should not attempt to go any farther than a mild, unrealized crush.~

TT: ~There is no possible way for an adolescent not even seven sweeps old to enter into a balanced moirallegiance with an adult, especially an adult in a position of authority over other people in his daily life and not a confused, barely post-ascension one. You could not conceivably stop his rages, or understand his responsibilities more than academically, and he could not grasp your own troubles without the filmy grip of nostalgia for his own wigglerhood obscuring his grasp on the matter. Also he would be likely to offer you advice of the "You'll understand when you're older" or "It'll pass and then you'll wonder why you even cared at all" variety.~

TT: ~But I have to admit seeing you so flustered is adorable.~

TG: ((i hate you all))

TT: ~Ah, but over the cooing, or over the pileblocking?~

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is back from idle! --

CG: PILEBLOCKING? OHO. WHAT DID I MISS.

TG: ((someone let me die))

CG: NO CAN DO, WITH ALL THE I TOLD YOU SOS I'VE GOT TO CRAM IN YOUR HEARING PLATES I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KEEP THE BOTH OF US ALIVE AT LEAST TO GAMZEE'S LIFESPAN THROUGH THE MAGICAL POWER OF SCHADENFREUDE.

TG: ((no wait someone let me kill you))

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((hey))

TG: ((so im not the kind to throw terms like cheater around but))

TG: ((you still owe me four questions))

TG: ((that you promised))

TG: ((because you agreed you owed me))

TG: ((cmon man))

TG: ((just answer me i know youre getting the alerts))

TG: ((cmon))

TG: ((um))

TG: ((bro?))

GT: I'm in a meeting.

TG: ((with your porn actors))

GT: Also, two questions left. Is this one of them?

TG: ((umm no and also four the asl name one was a twofer))

TG: ((fourfer))

GT: But you then asked me about my job and

GT: that other things.

TG: ((that one doesnt count cmon))

TG: ((three questions??))

GT: Is that your third question?

TG: ((no))

TG: ((that aint as funny as you think it is bro))

GT: You're wrong. It is in fact entirely that funny.

GT: If you're going to ask about pile-related shit, can you wait until I'm out of this meeting and possibly have a bottle of something outrageously alcoholic in hand. For reasons.

TG: ((no uh))

TG: ((i figure we got close enough to that topic for the time being))

TG: ((like any closer were gonna be goosing the sun and thats always a pretty crispy plan))

GT: No fucking kidding. So?

TG: ((so uh))

TG: ((oh right tell me about your job))

TG: ((i mean not the porn side i dont care and itd totally break my sacred trust in the horny pizza deliverymans existence but the director side))

TG: ((like the technical stuff man i love cameras and angles of view and imagery and things like that but how do you figure out what to film and how))

TG: ((im too used to photography thats kinda more two dimensional somehow adding a timeline to that shit sounds hella interesting))

GT: That's going to count as at least two questions. Fair?

TG: ((yeah sure))

TG: ((ill keep the last question for when i really need it))

GT: I tremble in fear.

TG: ((yeah you may im very fearsome you know))

GT: Rule number one of chatting during meetings: don't bloody make me laugh during meetings.

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((btw what does vibronic even mean dude))

TG: ((you made it up didnt you))

GT: Adjective: vibronic (comparative more vibronic, superlative most vibronic) (physics) Describing relationships between electronic and vibrational motions or quantum states.

TG: ((i dont get how that relates to you at all tbh))

GT: Tell you when you know more advanced physics.

TG: ((thats a way to sneak in a crack at my age isnt it))

GT: I would never.

TG: ((thats a fib if i ever heard one))

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((whats with the delivery of four gogfucked crates of nothing but clothes dude))

TG: ((they landed on the fucking roof i thought we were under attack))

TG: ((you scared poor lil squarewave too))

GT: Oh, that's terrible, the guilt is eating me alive.

GT: How long has it been since you actually looked at yourself in the training room mirrors? You're growing out of your shirts, kid.

TG: ((hmph))

GT: Go and try them on. Gotta have them changed if they don't fit.

TG: ((no they fit))

TG: ((thanks i guess didnt know if my id would be valid at a clothes store))

GT: It wouldn't get you arrested at the door, but a Rustblood with your allowance would raise a few eyebrows. Just do it online.

TG: ((mm))

TG: ((um))

GT: Yeah?

TG: ((thank for the scarf too its pretty soft))

TG: ((um ok karkats bitching up a storm weve got a dungeon to raid man hes pissing me off recently its horrible i swear im gonna ruin the mission just so i can kill his toon with great prejudice anyway bye))

-- turntechGodhead [TG] stopped trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

GT: Heh.

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gailyTerminating [GT] the file 4_ur_eyes_only.jpg --

GT: Holy flying snake SHIT, kid, what the hell is that.

TG: ((its me seductively cuddled up to a giant teddy bear with my too big pajamas falling off in an enticing way))

TG: ((on a pile))

GT: Yeah. Believe it or not, I had *noticed.*

GT: Why the fuck are you sending me softcore amateur porn.

TG: ((i want you to reprogram one of the bots its not badass enough anymore))

GT: ...

GT: I would have done that *for the fun.*

GT: Jegus, I'm not grooming you, so stop grooming yourself!

TG: ((sorry))

TG: ((with contrite face for more sorriness .__.))

TG: ((you gonna delete the pic then))

GT: Fuck no.

TG: ((asjrdonklk))

GT: Might encrypt it and lose it on an external drive for the next four sweeps. If when you're adult you still want me to look at it then

GT: Well.

GT: I do have an unfortunate kink for underage pale twinks that's approximately the size of the pink moon.

TG: ((id have said the green))

GT: Shut up, you shooshtease.

GT: Anyway if once you're adult you're still fine with it you best believe I am going to pap my own face raw over it. Shit, kid.

TG: ((... wow um))

TG: ((wow.))

GT: Moving on. You really do have an eye for composition. Nice work.

GT: Now stand by as I upgrade your bot. No sudden movements before I'm done, you hear me?

TG: ((yeah ill stay put))

TG: ((promise))

------

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: If I had known that getting your world-ending-themed wonder-rail friends off the helmsbait lists was going to get the Lisping Wonder to *crack my security* in order to proposition me black I don't know if I would have bothered.

TG: ((.......))

GT: Surprisingly enough, he is, and consider the source, fucking *filthy.*

TG: ((pffhahahaha))

TG: ((yes you would have))

TG: ((if only because you cant resist a challenge to your mad skillz))

TG: ((come to think of it neither can he maybe you should give it a try bahaha))

GT: Only one pedo quadrant bait up in my grill at a time if you don't mind.

TG: ((oh well in that case never mind then ill tell him to buzz off))

GT: Not that I

GT: Kid. Are you flirting. Again.

TG: ((...no?))

TG: ((but i guess im not... *not* flirting either?))

TG: ((dude you keep ordering me tasty food and tweaking your robodudes to make me an unstoppable murder machine i think that hoofbeast has long since left the barn))

TG: ((the barn is empty and barren without it))

TG: ((sobbing all day oh no where has my hoofbeast gone and no one fucking knows))

GT: I thought we'd wordlessly agreed to never mention that. It's my own personal indulgence to my own desires and nothing you asked for and therefore it doesn't need brought up, at all, ever.

TG: ((well i guess you thought wrong then))

TG: ((yo yo yo my names vibro))

TG: ((pedo by default))

GT: No.

TG: ((all my bitches can just tell))

TG: ((im the one theyll call sensei))

GT: This is so painfully bad I don't know whether to sign off and drown my shame in alcohol or fix your rhymes.

TG: ((yeah ok the inspiration wasnt flowing for that one anyway))

GT: So I guess we'll go with the rhyme fixing.

TG: ((oh my holy globe burgers bro no i was kidding im entirely fine with not getting to craft an awesome rap on the theme of your deflowering prowess thatll leave me torn between admiration and horror im really super fine with it))

GT: It's too late to run. You brought unfresh rhymes to the table, I'mma make you eat them. Be a good wiggler and prepare to be schooled.

TG: ((welp))

TG: ((oh well at least itll be a hilariously wrong way to go))

------

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: So are you flush or pitch for Terezi this week?

TG: ((what what i never flip for terezi just for karkat))

TG: ((and by flip i mean ok youre currently macking flush on my matesprit you owe me some tongue while im out in the cold and i guess it could be bitey cause why not and youre out of pitch action too and youre completely pissy about kissing me more nicely because then youd be cheating on terezi even tho she wouldnt mind!!!))

GT: Yeah and that makes Terezi flip, too. She's jealous that you won't flip for her.

TG: ((no shes not))

GT: Yes, she is.

TG: ((no))

GT: Ask Karkat what he thinks. He'll tell you at great length, I'm sure.

TG: ((fuck no im not asking him hell want to draw up schedules again i dont know how many times i gotta suplex him into walls to make him stop))

GT: How do you figure you're not really pitch for him again.

------

-- gailyTerminating [GT] started trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: I am not a man who enjoys saying I told you so.

TG: ((lies))

GT: But I told you so.

GT: So? It's better now that all three of you are in on it, isn't it.

TG: ((no its not we need a fourth otherwise someone is always out a quadrant its a mess))

TG: ((i mean yes tz is diabolical as a kismesis holy shit unf that part at least is good shut up but))

TG: ((but aint no one any of us want that much or who could deal with our tornado flip bullshit))

GT: You've still got two sweeps and a half to plan before your first Drone visit. It'll sort itself out.

TG: ((uh yeah about that))

GT: Hm?

TG: ((no nothing))

GT: Ain't nothing wrong with a chat, lil man.

TG: ((bro))

TG: ((drop it its nothing))

GT: Hm.

GT: Okay, sure.

TG: ((and dont pick it back up tomorrow))

GT: Your wish is my command.

TG: ((im squinting at you suspiciously irl finface))

GT: Don't see why. I am the soul of innocence.

TG: ((congrats that was a three on the snorfle scale))

------

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

-- gailyTerminating [GT] is out of planetary range! --

TG: ((bro are you here))

GT: Yeah, kiddo. What is it?

GT: Did you get the dispensation paperwork for the stable three-member concupiscent clade I forwarded you?

TG: ((yeah))

TG: ((so did tz and kat))

TG: ((thats))

TG: ((it was nice))

TG: ((thank you))

GT: Dude, not that nice, it took me two minutes of search-and-clicking.

GT: You've still got five perigees to fill and send it and be comfortably on time. That's more than enough. And the pail-filling itself is pretty straightforward, just remember you basically need to do it twice with everyone and make sure everyone has one of each.

TG: ((no its))

TG: ((i))

TG: ((dont know how to ask you that))

GT: You're starting to worry me.

GT: I've locked my office door. Talk to me.

TG: ((can i))

TG: ((bro))

TG: ((this is my question))

TG: ((can i talk to you))

GT: ... Fuck. I

GT: You're still not

GT: Yes. Anything.

TG: ((hypothetically what could be done if a member of our three way clade was a mutant))

TG: ((bro you still here))

GT: Karkat.

TG: ((maybe))

GT: Come on, Terezi isn't a mutant, she's an infirm, that's already bad enough, and they'd have noticed a gene defect during her functionality tests. He's the only one who writes in... grey...

GT: Wait. Is his *blood* mutated?

GT: Dev.

GT: Dehvid, honey.

TG: yes

TG: im so fucking scared

GT: ...

GT: I'm on it.

------

-- Welcome to FleetWideNet, Culldet DehvidStrydeRust [DSR] --

> CHANGE SCREEN NAME TO
turntechGodhead

> INPUT PASSWORD
((password))

> SCREEN NAME CHANGED
> CONTACT LIST IMPORTED

-- turntechGodhead [TG] started trolling gailyTerminating [GT] --

TG: ((hey old dude))

TG: ((i hear orientation is p exhausting))

TG: ((hell im already p exhausted and its been barely two days))

TG: ((im also about to kill my kismebitches why does everything always have to be high energy with them its fucking exhausting but anyways))

TG: ((if youre not there to pile me the second we get liberty im gonna march straight into your porn studio and show the actors how to fake a good moan))

GT: ...

GT: Sure thing, kiddo. <>