Anonymous asked: Rose spade/diamond Eridan, the differences between troll and human Harry Potter.

Wherein Rose and Eridan Debate Over Deeply Vital and Relevant Things Such as Harry's Quadrants on a Pile

"Well of fuckin' course troll JKR wasn't forced ta have Voldie be a fake sea dweller with magicked-on fins in the end, he was a fake who was aimin' higher than his station in life all along, this is the only readin' that makes any sense! If he were a real sea dweller then his motive for offin' the landdwellers makes zero fuckin' sense! An' his lack a any true class, are you even serious?"

"I find it remarkable that a single being should be so consistently and hugely self-blind," Rose mused, and bared her teeth in a pleasant (not) grin.

"What the hell does that mean?!" Eridan snarled back, and tried to loom over her. Rose kicked a plush out from under his knee and he toppled into her chest (half sexy because breasts and half oww because breasts, not air bags, oww) and then rolled off the pile entirely.

"Oh, I think you know, but never mind me. I maintain that the backstory was more logical in the human version. Troll Voldemort has precious little cause to get so hot and bothered about non-magical non-sea dwellers, save for shallow bigotry."

Eridan growled as he climbed back on. Rose reclined lazily across a wad of scarves, half his, half hers, and smirked a little. He threw himself chest down on the slope, crossing his arms sulkily.

"An' you talk to me about weak backstories, and I can't believe Troll Snape had that stupid reason to save Harry when he hated his ancestor's guts, when we're beaten over the head nonstop with how little o' this mary sue inserted at random in the plot--"

"I assume you mean Lily Potter Née Evans?"

"--Née ain't even a real word an' acourse I mean her! We're bein told again an' again how the only thing Harry gets from her is her fuckin' eye color -- and a green, what the fuck, he's cobalt! How does she make more sense than Snape tryin' to recreate his jilted kismesis with Troll James via the descendent that is actually provably at least 90 percent him?"

Rose pursed her lips. Stared at Eridan. Sighed. And then the displeasure that the coming vigorous makeout was going to peter out in favor of shipping fizzled out, because, seriously now. "I'll give you this one, I do prefer the creepiness of Snape wishing to die staring at Lily's eyes in Harry being brought into the open and dealt with by the narrative, instead of Harry naively assuming kinship based on the fact that Snape once wanted to frick his mother."

Eridan grinned up at her, a nasty, triumphing flash of teeth. "Plus you're jealous your Harry Potter never had scenes where Harry freaks out an starts plannin' murder ‘cause his superior who's like centuries older is orderin' him to his private quarters for punishment detail an' no one'll auspistice. You perv."

Rose gave up, and laughed. "Guilty as charged. Troll Harry Potter is a much darker endeavor in a lot of delightful ways. I don't think it means anything in terms of overall quality, though it does happen to tickle my fancy."

Eridan shrugged the quality comment off, she could see him choosing not to engage it. Who cared about being objective, so long as Rose admitted to liking his version better, right? Brat.

"An' if you tell me troll Harry Potter ain't tons of superior for havin' troll Harry and troll Draco true kismeses instead a this peterin out oh an now he's baldin! bullshit we're gonna have words."

Rose was tempted to keep being difficult for a second; and then she smiled and leaned on his shoulder. "Alas, I must find myself regrettably agreeing with you. Why, if his school love story with Ginny endured, why should his school hate with Draco have not, save for the diktats of Human Schoolastic's mono-romantic, flushed obsession?"

Eridan looked briefly torn -- keep needling? croon about winning a point off her? -- but then he beamed at her, all needle teeth and happy-half-moon eyes. "Exa-fuckin'-ly." He pushed himself up on his hands to lean in, face close with zero intent to kiss. Rose dimpled at him in shared delight. "Oh my god tell me what you think of Remus and Sirius, pale or flush? Friggin' Troll JKR never owned up to which o' them they were."