"Fuck's sake. Just go away, okay, I'll do it faster on my own."
For a second you're tempted to pick up the laptop you just dropped on the floor and throw it at Dave's head. Fuck him. It's not your fucking fault you were ... trying to move heavy, fragile technology one-handed. Okay, yes it is. But fuck him anyway. He's been a grumpy little shit ever since Bro woke you all up and you started gathering the crap not already boxed.
With the way he's not looking at Terezi, who's dismantling the sleeping pile into garbage chute-sized chunks in the corner, you can guess who he'd really like to be arguing with. You watch him pick up the laptop and check the case for damages, put it away in a box barely more gently than when you dropped it. Fuck him, it's your laptop, Bro got it for you.
"What?" he asks you, scowling. You turn away and walk out before any fists can be exchanged.
The living room is bare and weirdly wide open. Bro and Dadbert moved the couch downstairs for the garbage collection truck to pick up (or a neighbor, neighbor's more likely) and all the tables got dismantled into planks and cinderblocks. The TV and turntables huddle by the door, ready to be carried down whenever LaMomlonde gets back with the truck she's gone to rent.
Bro's emptying the fridge. You think about going to help.
You think about dropping a bowl of old noodles on the floor, congealed mess sprinkled with broken crockery.
You climb the ladder under the crawlspace instead. "Going to check no one's forgotten anything in here," you grunt, and you shoulder the trapdoor out of the way and haul yourself the rest of the way up.
You allot yourself thirty seconds to seethe in the dark, and then you start feeling ridiculous and like maybe spiders are about to land on your face and you crawl your way to the light switch.
There's only the one bare light bulb up here, throwing deep shadows everywhere its weak, yellowed halo doesn't touch. The roof is low enough you'd knock your head on it if you went up straight on your knees.
There's a pile of smuppets in the corner that Terezi probably used as bedding and which you are grateful to pretend to miss entirely and oh no so sad we forgot them back home once you're halfway across the Pacific. Jade's sleeping bag is folded by her backpack; you pick it up thoughtlessly and then wonder how the fuck you're supposed to roll it up and tie it to the backpack like this.
No, fuck it, you can manage. Maybe if you kneel on it to keep it pinned and shuffle along as you roll...
Bluh. It's going to be an ugly bundle. But by God it's going to be bundled up.
Light spills in from behind you, the trapdoor creaks; you turn, already scowling. Damn it.
Nubbly horns, a nest of black hair. Gray hand. Karkat's eyes find yours and he arches a doubtful, unimpressed eyebrow at your expression.
"Thanks so much for keeping me company on this arduous task, Karkat," he snarks, and climbs in. He closes the trapdoor as he looks around curiously. It's a lot of bricks not even painted over, exposed wires running along the walls, and dustbunnies. "Huh, cozy."
"Mnrgh." You go back to your sleeping bag roll. If he offers to help you might just bite.
"You're so chatty today. I'm impressed, by which I of course mean aghast and half-deaf. My hearing flaps are going to fall off, for the love of little grubs stop."
He drones along, sarcasm mode fully on. You try to keep ignoring him. It fails.
"Just... go sift through that pile of horrors for lost cell phones or what the fuck ever Terezi might have dropped in it, and shut up, okay?"
Karkat sighs, not as under his breath as he thinks, and shuffles past you on hands and knees. You glare down at the sleeping bag, which you have finally wrestled into a lumpy sausage shape. Only took you ten minutes, too. Now how the fuck to pin it under the bag's flap...
His foot glances off your knee a bit hard in passing. "Ow, careful." You glare after him.
Oh hey troll ass.
It occurs to you to wonder what the heck he's doing here. Apart from crawling around with his ass up, that is. Uh. Nice shorts.
He glances over his shoulder; you turn away quickly. Whoops, caught. It's not your fault he was...
You sneak another look, just in time to see him heave a loud frustrated sigh and plop down on his tush in the smuppet pile. You grimace as a red-felted one in bondage gear tumbles into his lap, quivering dicknose fitting itself nicely between his bare thighs. Blurgh.
"Okay, cough it up," he orders, hands raking through the pile with only the barest grimace of distaste for what he's touching. "The amount of bitching accumulating in your thinkpan is about to hit critical and blow the top of this building clean off, and I wouldn't give a shit, only I happen to still be inside it."
"Isn't that a bit too feelings jammy?" you grumble back, as you cautiously drag the backpack closer, top flap stretched on the ground, and even more cautiously roll the sleeping bag onto it.
"Only if you join me on here and let me pap you in the face as you explain at length the origins of your neuroses. You're allowed to shed a tear." He rolls his eyes at you, and then leans back on his hand and hip to stretch toward the far end of the pile, in the darkest corner.
Mnrgh. "What are you doing here, anyway, don't you have... things to do?" You don't know what, but you're sure there must be some chore he was given. Maybe he's already done? Maybe there's so many people around he was just being a hindrance, oh wait that's you.
He frowns a little, but it's a sober, vaguely sad one.
"Dad's teaching Gamzee how to use a barbecue." A little uncaring shrug. Yeah right. You're buying that one. "And he -- Gamzee's pretty calm around him, and I'm shit at cooking anyway."
There's no sibling jealousy in there that you can hear, no "well if Dad's going to prefer him then I'm leaving, see if you don't miss me."Nothing so childish. More like he's... glad, you think, that Gamzee can have someone even when Karkat can't stand for that someone to be him.
You knew, sort of, but you didn't get it. They are so stupid in love. You don't get how, or why, but "in love" is the only term that'll fit.
"... What are you staring at, bulgeface."
"Nothing," you reply intelligently, and you go back to buckling in the wily sleeping bag and not mulling over quadrants in all earnestness.
Done! Victory. It's absurd how proud you are of such a shitty, easy little thing.
"So what are you doing here?"
You huff in annoyance, but you're still ridiculously stoked over your grand success, so you tell him. "Dave's got his panties in a bunch because he didn't get to bang Terezi because he's a pussy."
If Dave didn't want you sharing his sexual inadequacies with ... okay two select people right now but Kanaya doesn't count she's like sworn to secrecy and maybe Karkat doesn't count either if you buy his silence with kisses later or something, yeah okay that's a plan, but anyway if Dave didn't want you explaining his poor widdle feelings he shouldn't act on them somewhere that might be construed as public. So there. Yes. This is perfect reasoning and you are entirely justified.
You make a note to make the sloppy makeouts extra sloppy, just to make sure Karkat stays bought.
If he even wants to try that again.
You consider his bare legs, at length. Also the swing of his hips as he shuffled past you earlier. Hmm.
Also how he could have chosen to keep just about anyone else company but instead he's in the crawlspace with you. Maybe you weren't the only one vaguely hoping to sneak in some extracurricular tongue wrestling in your schedule.
"... Why the bulge-gargling fuck... what... Okay, I'm officially lost."
"Easy. No space to be alone in the apartment, so they can't bang! ... Is the official excuse. The real reason is he thinks she's gonna see his human junk and laugh in his face. It's that huge ridiculous complex and it doesn't help that now she has normal-for-a-troll junk to compare it to."
Unless -- horror -- Gamzee's junk is proportional to his ludicrous height. That'd kill Dave, you think. (You are not asking Karkat if he knows. There's an infinitesimal chance he might actually tell you.)
Karkat winces a little bit, looks away, but hums in understanding too. "I see. Knowing her, I wouldn't even be fucking surprised if she went straight for the pornography the second she had access to one of your computers, so she probably already knows what to expect."
You let out a startled huff of a laugh. "Spoken as someone with experience in googling for porn, I take it."
Karkat's black lips twist in disgust. "You're kidding, like I was so mad with curiosity I was going to risk that on Mr. Egbert's computer. Or even John's, yeah, right, hey asshole, let me borrow your husktop so I can go trawling for digitally enlarged human genitalia."
Hey, you're talking about genitalia. You feel it's a good sign and you should shuffle closer, which you do. You're a bit hesitant about getting in actual touching range of the smuppets, though. You'd swear they're eyeing you lecherously with their little dead eyes.
"... It's weird how Dave's like that, when you apparently don't give a shit about me seeing yours -- uh, eventually. Do you?" He sneaks you a glance, tries to act all casual but you think his cheeks have darkened some. Hard to say because you're blocking some of the light and it's dim enough in here. You hope that means he can't see the pink on your own face either, but you're pretty sure he could, if he squinted.
And then the question catches up, and you ... well, there's nothing to do but shrug.
"Well, no, but I'm not in love with you."
Karkat is silent for a beat. Your guts are doing strange things. What if that was too frank, no but you just started macking out of the blue three days ago, of course there's no ~feelings~ floating around, he's not stupid, but what if, like, he thought you were lying about it being random and just because he was right there and not ugly and you could tolerate the cut of his jibe --
"... There's that."
Phew. "Heh. Yeah. Plus look at the people involved. If I show you and you freak out, shit'll be hilarious."
"Thank you," Karkat retorts dryly.
"But Terezi won't let herself freak out even if she really wants to and that'll be about three quintillions times worse."
He sighs, massages the bridge of his nose. "Humans are all functionally retarded."
"Thank you," you reply the same way he just did, down to the snooty huff. He purses his lips. You think about kissing them. Surely you can tempt him out of the field of smuppets with your hot bod...
"Unless you have a field of razor teeth down there I don't think it'll be that much of a problem. We got used to you guys not having horns at all and that shit is profoundly disturbing."
Of course this is your cue to start humming Vagina Dentata, what a wonderful phrase. Karkat stares at you until you stop being human and weird. Or maybe Strider and weird, the two looks are a lot alike.
You give up the humming and arch an eyebrow instead. "Disturbing? Is it really?"
"About as much as a raw, empty eye socket."
"Urgh. So yes." You grimace a little.
You eye him again. He's half reclined on the smuppets and only vaguely searching the pile for lost stuff, looking bored with it.
His feet are bare. Even his toes are clawed, though they're thicker there, blunter at the tips. You want to put your hand on his ankle and you're not entirely sure why. Maybe to see how he's articulated, if the joint works the same way a human's would. You think the underside of his foot might be padded.
Your eyes travel up -- calves, knees, thighs; the shadowy gap of the legs of his shorts -- meet his.
Oh hey look at that the backpack is not well secured. You see about tightening those straps. "So are we... like... having a verbal agreement to... show-and-tell at some point?"
"Yeah," he says after a small eternity, "sure, okay, why the fuck not."
Whoa, what's this, someone smuggled a .44 Magnum in your pants. Which daring reverse-pickpocket could commit that nefarious deed.
You'd investigate that suspicious gift; instead you're investigating the pile. Somehow.
You're on hand and knees in smuppets, buried to the elbow. Karkat is under you. He stares -- challenge -- he's not moving away.
Not breaking eye contact, he reaches up for your face and takes your shades off, and he hangs them from your collar.
You're pressing down on him the next second, mouth opening wet and insistent against his. He kisses back, neck craned, an arm snaking around your neck to pull you down on him. Yes. Fuck yes.
A second later and he has twisted from the hip and shoved you sideway in the smuppets pile, and then he's rolling on top of you. You knock teeth; neither of you cares. You can't find a way to brace and he's on top of you, the weight of his compact body burying you in velvet and foam.
Oh fuck. Thigh pushing against your dick. Yeah okay you're good here. You wrap your arm around his back, fingers digging in his muscles to pull him even closer, make sure he doesn't leave. He presses his hips down onto yours and you choke on a groan. Shit, it's going fast, but -- here? really, here? Aw fuck, why not, why the hell not.
He's so warm, a little furnace, you love that. You groan in his mouth again, tear yourself free of his pointy, gnawing teeth to nibble and kiss your sloppy way to his earlobe. It's messy and too hasty and it's going to end embarrassingly fast and you don't even care. You smooth your hand down his spine; his back curves under your touch, his hips tilt.
His raised ass is pretty much an engraved invitation. Be ungentlemany to ignore it. You grope.
You set your hand on a firm ass cheek and you knead like it's dough and you're making bread for starving orphans, you stroke like it's a cat that'll turn on you all claws and teeth the second you dare stop. You fit your palm across that crack and let your fingers press the cloth taut. You learn that ass by heart like there'll be a test and your whole future rides on it, c'mon Junior, for the Ivy League.
If you don't keep blathering inanities in your head you're going to blow a load in your pants. Karkat's face is in your neck and he's panting, warm puffs of breath against your skin, almost silent but not quite. Hh. Nnh. Hah. The raunchiest porn was never so hot.
Bang. "Whoops! Sorry guys."
You and Karkat spring apart in a flurry of smuppets. "Harley what the unfresh fuck are you doing here!" Karkat screeches, thank fuck it's not only you whose heart is going a mile a minute and for all the wrong reasons.
Jade and her hellbeast are crouching there, her with a knee on the wooden planks and a hand on Bec's ruff. The dog pants happily, tail dragging in the dust, and wanders toward the both of you. You kick away through the pile when his cold nose presses against your bare feet. Gneep. "No, hey, go away, Bec, good dog leave me the fuck alone I swear to fuck if you put your nose in my crotch I will end you--"
"Bec!" Jade calls, but behind the stern tone she's laughing her ass off.
Oh. Right. Jade.
You simmer down, watch her, unsure. She's sitting on the floor now and she pats Bec's head and doesn't say a thing when he returns to the smuppets -- to Karkat, this time around, who watches him with all due suspicion, cheeks still dusky with blood.
Karkat who you were just humping, buried in a mound of obscene felt and foam toys.
In front of your ex-girlfriend.
You have an awesome life. If it were a sitcom there'd be at least a death a month amongst watchers from excessive laughing.
"So. Um. Byrd."
Nooo dear little jegus you were fine with no talking why didn't that last.
"I didn't know you liked boys too!" she exclaims brightly. You kind of want to die.
Ffff. You're not squirming, okay, you have a dildonose lodged awkwardly under your ass is all. "Yeah, like I was going to talk to you about my interest in you know what let's talk about. Uh. Smuppets. Man, what demented, diseased brain invented those things, I wonder."
She snickers in her hand. "That'd be your brother, you butt."
"Yeah, exactly, so I know what I'm talking about."
Karkat is just sitting there staring at the two of you alternately, knees up and a hand holding a plush monstrosity face down across his crotch oh dear lord you're going to have nightmares. You understand he probably has a hard-on of his own to camouflage but there are lows no one should ever stoop to, jegusfuck.
You wish that were a bonerkill. Alas, today Junior is steel-plated. Not even Harley Interruptus can put a dent in that rampaging juggernaut. Why are you sixteen.
"Since when are you guys dating?"
Whimper. You give in and prostrate yourself in the depthless mass. (A plastic eye stares at you, soulless but still lecherous somehow.) "Mrnghnphpt."
"We're -- we're not," Karkat says. You didn't know it was possible to hear someone blush, wow. You're not lifting your head out of the pile though. "We're not dating, it's. Ngh. Fooling around. Is all. Uh -- are you... Jade, are you okay with that?"
Why does he sound so nice and careful talking to your ex. Hrgn. She's your ex.
He's your hookup. No awkward flirting with Jade. You manage to straighten up enough for a baleful glare. They both ignore you flawlessly. Assholes. See if you mack on either of them again.
(Oh no, boner, no sandwichy thoughts, no, oh dear Bilious Slick help. Shit, you can't even visualize the universe frog in all his warty glory, all that section of your brain is taken over by two lasciviously entangled brunettes ordering you to hop in the middle already. Ngah.)
"It's fine," she assures Karkat, a smile in her voice. You keep glowering sullenly from your tight little curl around your pocket pork rocket. "Davesprite, stop being a tool and sit up already -- whoops, sorry, I mean Byrd."
... Yeah okay you'll give her a pass this time, she's been calling you Davesprite for three years, it's bound to take time.
"Nope. I'm good. Comfy as shit. Mm. Yep."
You think if she catches a glimpse of your lap circus you will die.
There was a reason you broke up. (Well, okay, several.) The fact that you stayed physically thirteen while she kept growing into a young lady was part of it.
The fact that you'd been cut off at the waist and no matter what you did you could only conjure vague memories of what you should have felt was the main one. You weren't a man with Jade. You were half of a boy.
She didn't mind. You did. Your pride couldn't take it.
Now you've got boners (oh boy do you have them, it's only been thirteen days and you've given up counting them, you are developing a rash) and you don't have a Jade anymore, but yeah, that ship's sailed.
(Also you're not a game artifact/doomed anymore, what is that bullshit.)
"Sorry I interrupted, by the way, I was exploring the streets and all and then I got lost, everything looks the same! So I just had Bec bring me back to where my things were. I didn't know you guys would be -- hehe -- busy." She deposits a couple of shopping bags beside her backpack. "I'll go see if people need help out there!"
She starts pulling the trapdoor open.
"Hey Bro." Dirk's voice wafts in from underneath. "Can I talk to you a minute."
You're across the crawlspace and stomach down by the trapdoor in a second, scattering smuppets. Jade has frozen. You gesture at her meaningfully. She blinks and then glares, grimacing, nods toward her straining arms. She's not going to be able to maintain that hold too long.
Karkat saves the day by shuffling closer and stuffing a plush dong in the crack, all the while rolling his eyes like you're ridiculous and he doesn't know why he indulges you. Jade slowly, cautiously lowers the trapdoor back down. You all shuffle closer to peer through the gap, Jade and Karkat going belly down on the floor same as you, bunch of hypocrites.
Personally you're only interested in the drama because it means they're too distracted to notice your saluting pork sword. Yep. (By the way the floor is hella hard. Ow, your tender dong.)
The three of you jostle for position in silence as Bro slowly gets up from where he was cleaning the fridge, slowly picks up a cloth to wipe his hands, and sloooowly turns around. The amount of ominous is unreal.
"Wow, dude, I didn't think you'd flip out that hard."
You wince. Jade grimaces. Karkat goes uh oh under his breath. Why is Dirk such a tool.
"Wait, rewind, we're talking about you jumping off the roof of a building over twenty stories? That's what we're talking about?"
You only see the top half of the back of Dirk's head and Bro's body from the chest down from here, but you don't need to see their faces. The set of their shoulders and the curl of their hands tells you enough.
"Rocket board?" Dirk goes, and you can tell he's got an eyebrow arched in unimpressed surprise over his shades. Jegusfuck did he come to apologize or to declare World War Three?
You're not sure what to expect. Jade is looking awkward. Karkat is tense like he's trying to brace for when Bro backhands Dirk across the mouth and bounces him against the nearest wall.
Bro just rakes both hands through his hair, and fuck the hat, and fuck the hour he spent styling it. "Excuse me if my first fucking thought when one of my kids jumps off the roof isn't 'oh, rocket board, of fucking course'!"
Dirk rocks back on his heels a tiny little bit.
"You stupid little asshole. I ought to ground you, only you'd be too happy about being forbidden to get out. Shit, maybe I'll take away your internet privileges. No, wait, your hot water privileges, yeah, that's better."
"You're just trying to hoard it for yourself," Dirk shoots back, but he sounds oddly strangled.
Bro stares at him in silence for a couple of seconds, and then he steps in, drapes an arm around Dirk's narrower shoulders. At this angle it's so weird how alike their builds look, even if Bro has twenty years of muscle on him.
And then he predictably noogies the shit out of him.
You could have told Dirk that was going to happen. You could have warned him, bro. Only, nope, he totally deserves it.
You start tugging the smuppet out of the crack. Jade helps you stabilize the trapdoor before it slams down and betrays you.
You all crawl backwards like you're army vets and this is a comfy little muddy trench. And then Jade starts giggling. You bite down on a snicker of your own, but your lips quirk.
Karkat still looks disturbed.
"Is it -- is it really alright? To leave them alone."
You blink at him in the gloom. "Huh?"
"Isn't he going to punish him?"
"He kinda asked for it, dude," you point out, but then Jade presses a hand on her mouth and goes "oh!" and then shuffles to Karkat. She puts a hand on his shoulder, and she looks so soft and nice and sorry, you can only stare.
"It's fine, Karkat, he won't -- I mean, nothing bad will happen, I don't think Dirk will even get a spanking or anything. You heard Bro, he said he was one of his kids, right?"
Karkat chews on his lip for a second, leaning into her hand. "Yeah -- I guess. Yeah. Okay."
You're baffled. "What?" You scowl, annoyed that they're having a secret convo right under your nose (that they're getting along so well.) "Is it about your fucked up obsession that Bro is, I don't even know, some kind of monster of the deep in a human meat suit?"
"Byrd!" Jade snaps, and punches you in the maimed shoulder. Ow. "Stop being an ass!"
"Oh, I'm an ass?" You glare at her. "You think it doesn't wear on Bro to have them all react like he's about to spit and roast them for breakfast every time he moves?"
"Hey," Karkat growls, with funny harmonics under there, and slashes a hand down between the two of you. "Argue a little louder, I think they didn't hear you down there." He turns to you, but he looks tired now, closed off. After the unbridled lust from earlier it bothers you. "Long story short adult trolls are always bad news to trolls under the age of conscription, ie all of us. We know your bro is cool, but he's still older and heavier and stronger and has a shit-ton more experience, and that's a bit hard not to keep close track of, alright? It's not a slight on him. Even Dad -- even Dad freaked me out at first."
Huh. The way his voice cracked there. Huh.
He turns his face away, embarrassed. "Mnrgh."
You blink. "... What about Mom Lalonde?" Karkat grimaces a little. "... Seriously? I mean she's not that big, and besides she's a woman."
Jade punches you in the shoulder again, ow, does she want the rest of your upper arm to fall off too or what. You rub it, glowering.
"Why would her being a woman -- because she's smaller? You're kidding me, right, women are almost worse."
You and Jade stare, you in bafflement and Jade in startled approval. She grins. "Oh?"
"... Vriska. Terezi. Kanaya. Women are generally trickier and faster on their feet and they don't dick around before going down to the dismembering business once they've decided on it." He pauses, stares at you. "That looks like you're surprised, what the fuck. I mean, Jade's pretty mellow for a girl but what about Rose?"
You blink long and slow. "Rose's a bit of an outlier, actually."
Jade looks all excited. "Are you telling me that for trolls girls are the dangerous gender?"
Karkat shuffles awkwardly away from Bec's curious nose. "They're both dangerous, just not the same way. A guy's much more likely to beat you the hell up if he gets fed up with you, but a girl's more likely to just decide she's done and end you. Are you telling me that for humans girls are not?"
Jade fucking squees. She crawls closer on hands and knees so she can sit closer to him, knees to knees, and oh dear lord, geek field activated.
"No, no, human women are kind of encultured to -- it goes back to when humans were hunter-gatherers, and the women were the ones who got pregnant and that made them heavy and awkward, and they had to keep their babies close by to feed them for some years afterwards and stuff. It was inconvenient to hunt so they did mostly small traps and fruit gathering and things like that while the guys went out to hunt the bigger stuff, so there's this kind of mindset that the human guys are supposed to do the big heavy work and bring home the meat and the girls are supposed to stay back and cook and take care of the kids, and apparently you have to be gentle or something for that?" She shakes her head like she thinks it's weird but still irrelevant to her whole life experience, but then again she was raised by an old gentleman adventurer-hunter and a dog so you can understand where the bafflement is coming from.
Karkat's eyebrows are up in vaguely disapproving interest. "I guess it makes sense your gross reproductive system would fuck things up in such a stupid way. Cave trolls all hunted, only being descended from hiveguard drones the females hunted in packs and took care of monster duty -- you can't get rid of those if you're unable to collaborate -- and males -- descending from consort drones -- hunted things they could take down alone and fought each other for status and, you know, the chance to spread their genes wider. Mostly it was the females patrolling the territory and bringing back most of the food."
"Ooh, kind of like lions."
"I guess? Anyway some scholars also think it explains why the classical auspisticism has a female middle leaf and the classical kismesissitude skews toward a pair of males, though in real life the numbers don't bear that out. Didn't bear that out. It was all pretty much equal."
You are awash in a sea of geekery. You can feel yourself drowning. Quick, dickery. "So you being team leader was actually kind of girly? Huh."
Karkat stops leaning toward Jade to glare at you. Good. He should stop getting along with your ex now, you're getting jealous on both sides, it's really irritating.
"Karkat being the leader wasn't necessarily girly," says Terezi from the trapdoor holy fuck is that girl a ninja. "Just being the leader could be pretty manly! Karkat being actively involved in interpersonal relationships and good at organizing was girly. By the way, lunch is ready!"
She disappears with a devilish cackle. Karkat sputters and speed-crawls to the trapdoor. "Now wait a minute! I was not--!"
Jade giggles as he flings himself overboard. "That was interesting!"
"No it wasn't." Okay maybe a tiny little bit, in a totally academic and you're having trouble seeing why you should care way. It's just, well.
"Aw." She pats your shoulder, eyes twinkling. "I'm sorry I interrupted you getting your mack on." Gnh. How does she know. "By the way, if either of you breaks the other one's heart, I'll break your dicks!"
She's gone in a swirl of skirts. You stay alone like a tool in the gloom and the dust, ass planted in felt horrors. At least now your boner is asleep. Maybe you can risk going out in public.
Bec starts digging happily in the rest of the smuppet pile, showering you in plush obscenity.
Okay, now your boner is slaughtered.